Monday, November 22, 2004

The Safe and... um... Friendly Skies

CNN is reporting on new attempts in the quest to make our skies ever safer and more secure from nasty terrorists. This latest phase carries the super-secret code name "Secure Flight" and, much like our Lord, works in mysterious ways. I won't go into detail, but clearly this is another sign of George Bush's JesusLand policies.

What I really want to know is why isn't anyone discussing a real plan to make the skies safe and secure for everyone. A lot of people say that it just can't be done; that flying will never be 100% safe from evil terrorists. But I think they just aren't willing to do what it takes. I have a plan that will make flying safe for everyone. My plan has four important parts:
  • The cockpits of all airplanes will be redesigned by bank vault manufacturers, and sealed for the duration of all flights.
  • All luggage flies in a separate plane from passengers. No carry-ons allowed.
  • Furthermore, no one is allowed to carry on anything.
  • "No carry-ons" includes clothes. Everyone flies buck-naked.
Now you tell me how a terrorist would take down a plane that was secured with that method.

I didn't think so.

But of course, we all know that those ultra-prude red states would never allow us to even contemplate such a proposal, let alone discuss it on the floor of Congress. Oh well. That is one of many reasons why I never fly. In fact, I don't drive either. I walk—barefoot—everywhere I go. It's really the only eco-friendly method of transportation.


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