Monday, March 21, 2005

The Looming Retail Crisis of 2005

SHOW ME THE--nevermind.Attention Good American Consumers™: America's retailers are facing an impending crisis, and they need your help! With Easter coming so early this year, purveyors of fine goods across the country face the grim prospect of enduring more than a month without a holiday to commercially exploit. Without the sales of properly marketed and tied-in holiday paraphernalia, the month of April is shaping up to be a significant financial hit to businesses everywhere.

The retail association Gathering of Retailers Encompassing Every District (GREED) held a special session at the Hilton New York last week to address the problem. Addressing the gathering, Les S. Hame, GREED President, explained the problem:
In a normal year, August is the only holiday-free month that we have to struggle to get through. Thanks to the addition of our ingenious "Christmas in July" ruse to the usual early-month red-white-and-blue sales pitches, that has been a lot easier to weather in recent years. Boy the consumers sure bought that one hook, line, and sinker, didn't they? (Laughter) But I digress. This April is rapidly shaping up to be a veritable retail drought if we don't come up with something soon. Sure, sure, we'll be able to ride March's wave of St. Patrick's Day "Get it Green" sales and Easter candy and plastic egg sales for a little while, but by mid-April we all know how sorry those books are going to look if we sit here and do nothing.
Various ideas were floated at the convention, but a final solution has not been settled on as of yet. Without a holiday to frame ridiculous sales pitches around, many retailers face the prospect of not having enough money to upgrade their touch-screen registers from the 2004 model to the 2005 model, or to send their CEOs on their monthly Bermuda weekend escapes.

In spite of this looming dread, Hame was confident that a solution would come up. "We came up with 'Dads & Grads' and the public just eats it up, year after year. I know that some good old-fashioned GREED-powered ingenuity will bring us to a solution to even this crisis."

Update: Alert reader dufflehead points out that Earth Day falls on April 22, every year. If there is any group that can figure out a way to turn a day of conservation into a day of consumer consumption, it is definitely the fine folks at GREED.
Categories: Capitalism, Humor

2 Comments:

Blogger dufflehead said...

This comment has been removed by a blog administrator.

12:33 PM, March 22, 2005  
Blogger dufflehead said...

how about using earth day?
what would happen to earth day if everyone stopped consuming? i mean, we need to buy stuff so that we can throw things away and keep earth day alive!

in the words of earth day "we need a day to celebrate our gloabal unity . . ."

what better way than buying something that everyone else can buy?

1:13 PM, March 22, 2005  

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