Friday, April 29, 2005

Super-Exclusive Political Update!

Thanks to a super-secret source, Skor has become privy to super-exclusive internal promotional material currently being circulated among members of the Washington State Democratic Party. After pondering how best to use (read: mock) this material, Skor came to the conclusion that it would be best to let the malarkey speak for itself. Well, mostly. Contained below is the entire email, with flavorful and nutritious commentary added by Skor, in a pleasing light red. Before you click on the magic un-hiding link below, you should be warned that the following content could be hazardous to your intelligence. Also, it's black text on a white background, which may offend your visual sensibilities. Click only at your own risk.

View/Hide the entire email, with Skor's commentary.
[Astoundingly, this link was not begging. It has still been removed.]
Dear [super-secret source name removed]:

Your governor, Christine Gregoire was sworn in months ago -- the Republican Secretary of State certified her victory, and she's been governing for over 100 days.
She's been governing for over 100 days, so she must be totally legitimate now! After all, 100 is a nice, round number! You can't argue with big, round numbers. This is just the kind of compelling point to make at the start of such an important email.
[gratuitous begging link removed]Her race was close -- that's why, immediately after the election, they conducted an initial machine recount. Then, even though the Washington State Democratic Party had to pay for it (which they did with your help), they conducted a hand recount to make sure that every legal vote was protected and counted.
...not to mention a few hundred—maybe even over a thousand—illegal votes, just enough in fact to put her over the top. If that wasn't worth the investment, I don't know what would be. Also, a note about the graphic at right: the original text was going to be "Protect the illegal felon votes, dead votes, double votes, unexplained votes, and Democrat votes." But we were pressed for space, so we had to just go with "Protect the Vote."
But guess what -- the Republican who lost the election still won't admit defeat. He's struggling to seize power and stay in the headlines by holding press conferences, running ads and filing junk lawsuits. He has even publicly released lists of people he thinks shouldn't have been allowed to vote and accused others of being convicted felons -- only to find that his lists contained registered, legal voters every time.
Man, that jerk. Why won't he just drop it already? Seriously, the people don't need to be bothered with all of this "vote integrity" nonsense. Who cares if hundreds of illegal votes were counted? His list of over a thousand people who possibly illegally cast ballots contained dozens of errors! If you can't be perfect, you shouldn't try to stop illegal voting at all. That's the stand of the Democratic Party.
The Democratic Party in Washington needs to beat back this assault on your elected governor. Please support them now:

[gratuitous begging link removed]
Guess what guys? This email is really just a thinly veiled front to beg for your money in an off-year. So click the link and give us money.
As Governor Dean works with state party chairs across the country to give them the resources they need to build for the future, we can't lose sight of the battles being fought on the ground right now.
That should be former Governor Dean, but we just really like calling people Governor who really aren't and/or have no real right to be.
I know that Governor Dean asked for your financial support just a couple of weeks ago. Thousands of people like you responded -- putting staff and resources on the ground in our first four states and accelerating the pace of our program to build a long-term presence everywhere. Thanks to you we'll be able to announce the next group of states shortly.
In other words, if you give us money, it probably won't even be spent in your state. But hey, everyone else is doing it, why not you too? C'mon, you can spare a few bucks.
But we can't fall into the trap of diverting resources from our long-term goals -- we have to find a way to meet urgent needs at the same time.
Seriously people, see how hard-up we are?
That's why I'm asking you to step up and help the Washington State Party now. No one anticipated the Republicans would lose the election and mount a reckless and absurd campaign for months after. The state party needs resources to keep its team going -- to keep fighting back in public and in the courtroom.

Please consider making a contribution now:

[gratuitous begging link removed]
Forget about whether or not the results of last November's election were legitimate. We all know that the Republicans are the very essence of evil, and must be stopped at all costs. They say that they're going to court to show that the election was horribly flawed and it's not possible to know who really won. You and I both know that this may well be true, but more importantly: it just doesn't matter! So give us money so we can do whatever possible to grind the wheels of justice to a halt.
As you watch the situation in your state unfold, you can't help but see the similarity to what's going on in Washington, D.C. -- when the Republicans don't win they try to change the rules.

Here, Senate Republicans want to change the rules so they can silence Democrats and exercise absolute power. And House Republicans changed the ethics rules to protect their leader, Tom DeLay, whose corruption and influence peddling schemes seem to unravel more every day.
Those complete jerks. They want to actually put up some judges to an actual vote! How dare they! It's our right to "debate" for as long as we want, and stall any vote into eternity if we darn well please. Also, don't you pay any attention to the fact that the day before we sent this email, the Republican-controlled House voted 406-20 to rescind those changes to the ethics rules. They're still evil.
Republican leaders in Congress and their operatives in the states are out of touch and out of control. And with the least popular second-term president ever, their desperate abuses of power will only get more extreme.
We need to stop them in their tracks now so we can get back to the people's business:

[gratuitous begging link removed]
Did we mention that this email is really just a front, designed to rile you up and appeal to your emotions (namely rage), so you'll donate money to us? Well, it is. So just click the link already and fork it over. Quit being so stingy. What are you, a Republican? Seriously.
Thank you.

Tom McMahon

Executive Director, Democratic National Committee
"Governor" Dean would have written this email, but he was busy perfecting his "rally the troops whoop." His name for it, not mine. One last thing: Do you guys know how hard it was to write this email without referring to Karl Rove? Man, it's a real challenge. Don't worry though, I'm sure to get back to the crazy Karl Rove conspiracies soon.
Hide the entire email, with Skor's commentary.

Categories: Local, Politics

4 Comments:

Blogger PastorBlastor said...

Wait! How did you get the SAME secret documents I received? They must have sent them to you by mistake! Only the "initiated" should have received them. Send them back with all of the other CRAP you have been collecting, COD right now.

Oh yeah, email... I almost forgot.

12:05 AM, April 30, 2005  
Blogger PastorBlastor said...

This comment has been removed by a blog administrator.

12:06 AM, April 30, 2005  
Blogger Dove said...

I can relate. I recently got a letter in the mail that began,

"Dear [misspelled name],

The Democratic Party is counting on your continuing support..."

I thought, "Huh. Thus far I've supported it by publicly mocking its ideas and voting for the opposing party. I suppose if that's the sort of support they need me to continue, I suppose I have no choice but to do my duty..."

Maybe it's a demographics thing: I *do* live in Seattle...

6:57 AM, May 04, 2005  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Perhaps Dove also received 2 ballots as a "likely domocrat" one with her name spelled incorrect, and one with it spelled correctly? Funny how inefficient this party is with such things.

12:18 PM, May 10, 2005  

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