Wednesday, October 05, 2005

Things TV News Is Good For

Anchors On Old TVIt isn't very often that I turn on the television to consume some of the drivel that pours forth into millions of American homes an average of four hours every day. However, sometimes the dark lord himself—no, not Satan... Rupert Murdoch—takes over my hands and forces me to pick up the remote control and watch some TV. More often than not, this unfortunate action results in the intrusion of news anchors upon my living quarters. Every time that this disaster befalls me I am stricken by the amazing ability of television news to be both incredibly useless and an utter waste of space and time.

However, in the spirit of "if you don't have anything nice to say, don't say any—" wait, that one doesn't quite fit... How about in the spirit of "Four score and seven years ago—" no, that fits even less. Oh well, who cares what spirit it's in. I present to you a list of things that TV news is actually good for.
  • Keeps you informed about the latest deadly virus that will kill us all.
  • Gives you all the details of every fatal car crash, murder, and accidental death within a fifty-mile radius in the past 24 hours.
  • Helps you rack up those TV-viewing hours so you can keep the American average up—we wouldn't want another country to take our "top couch potato" crown.
  • Recaps the day's sports and weather in a pre-packaged, over-enthusiastic format, split up by informative "info-breaks" a.k.a. "commercials"—much better than the instant and infinitely flexible information available on the stupid Internet.
  • Works like a screen saver for your TV, preventing the "blank screen" image from being burned into the tube.
  • Brings you live reports from the scene of something that happened five hours ago.
  • Provides me with enough content to make a post that I think is funny.

image source, image sourceCategories: News, Capitalism

2 Comments:

Blogger Father Cory said...

Long live free speech.

8:44 AM, October 07, 2005  
Blogger Dove said...

For five years, I've gotten almost all my news about the outside world from the 'net--blogs, search engines, and word of mouth. Messy controversy, messages from people who live where it happened, and conspicuous idiots and geniuses in all their glory are the order of the day. I love it...

I remember once, about a year ago, I was watching a movie. When it ended, the TV began playing whatever was on the air. It happened to be news. I was awed at the sheer low quality of the information--not that I knew anything in particular about the event, but the shallow information and unverifiable reporting... how do people stand that?

And plus, on the 'net, you can find more information about events of special interest to you, whether it be the war in Iraq, the happenings on the UW campus, or any recent developments on the question of whether or not that story about the woman who put her dog in the microwave to dry it off is really true.

On the TV news, it's all luck whether you care about what they're talking about, and whether they talk about what you care about.

11:21 AM, October 08, 2005  

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