Monday, November 28, 2005

Shocking Q-tip Discovery

This morning as I was cleaning my ears with Q-tips, I noticed an interesting combination of words on the large Q-tips box:
WARNING: Something about ears.
Considering that my usual morning routine consists of shower, clean ear canals with Q-tips, shave, clean ear canals with Q-tips, rain dance, clean ear canals with Q-tips, get dressed, then clean ear canals with Q-tips, this was rather alarming to me. Thankfully, I had just finished my fourth ear canal cleaning, so I was already prepped for the day before this distressing revelation, leaving me with roughly twenty-three and a half hours to decide what to do now that I knew.

As I pondered this new information, a thought occurred to me. I've got like three Costco-sized boxes of Q-tips that I bought for pretty much one purpose and one purpose only: to clean my ear canals. So, if you're not supposed to use Q-tips to clean out your ear canal, then what are you supposed to use them for? Luckily for me, the designers of the Q-tips box foresaw my dilemma, and printed answers for me right on the box. Unfortunately for me though, none of their suggestions really made any sense. Take a look:

Is there a painting in your house that has too much of a single color in it, like this abstract piece in shades of blue? Well fear not art lover, its Q-tips to the rescue. Just hold a Q-tip in front of the painting any time you're forced to look at it and ta-da—blue's reign of terror is over.Q-tips can break up monotonous color schemes.
Q-tips are also apparently a good substitute for a mascara brush. Or perhaps they should be used to soak up tears. Pretty much anything with the eyes is okay. Just wipe them all over in there, dry out the inside of your eyelid, whatever. Have a blast, just for the love of llamas, don't put it into your ear canal!Jab a Q-tip in your eye.
Do you need to dust off large furniture items? Forget dust rags or those overly-fancy "dust wand" contraptions, just use a Q-tip! Not only can you get inside of even the smallest cracks, but you can dust an entire chair in a mere six hours!Dust off furniture with a Q-tip.
Perhaps you often find yourself spilling various bodily fluids on strangely shaped pieces of wood. Well guess what? Q-tips are perfect for cleaning up those embarassing biohazard 'oopsies.' Just whip out a box of Q-tips and go to town on: Blood! Puss! Snot! Liver Bile! The possibilities are endless!Q-tips clean up bodily biohazards.
Pointing at ones own thumb can be a difficult task. There's always the question of "which finger should I use" and "how do I avoid drawing attention to my finger instead of my thumb?" Well thanks to Q-tips, kiss your thumb-pointing worries goodbye. Just take a handy Q-tip and point away my friend, point away.Point at your thumb with a Q-tip.
Q-tips are strictly for adult use only. You must keep them out of reach of children at all times. But, that doesn't mean you can't taunt children with Q-tips. In fact, that is one of their best uses! Just wave it around in front of them and anytime they reach for it, pull it away, laugh, and say "ha ha, nope!" Good times.Q-tips: Perfect for taunting babies!

I don't know about you, but none of those situations really speak to me, you know? I mean, I guess I never thought about how dirty the inside of my eyelid probably is, but the rest of those are just utterly useless. So now I'm stuck with the decision of either ignoring the dire warning on the Q-tips box, or throwing away about three thousand perfectly good Q-tips.

Whatever, to heck with their warning. I'm going to stick it to the man by sticking Q-tips in my ears. So there.
Categories: Personal

2 Comments:

Anonymous Mered said...

You rebellious man you... If you can't hear by the time you're fifty we'll know what to blame!

4:03 PM, November 28, 2005  
Blogger DaButtminster said...

That

was

HILARIOUS!

I didn't want to laugh out loud, but I did.

4:24 PM, November 28, 2005  

Post a Comment

Links to this post:

Create a Link

<< Home