Wednesday, December 21, 2005

Beat The December Dumps

Prank Exploding Christmas TreeAhh, December. That glorious month of 8-hour daylight, bitterly cold nights, endless rain, frenzied late-night shopping, and obligated time spent tolerating relatives. What's not to love about December? I know a lot of people tend to feel pretty down in the dumps in December, and I have to say I just don't "get it." That's probably because I'm "insensitive," "detached," and "evil." However, I'm not the type to rub my winter-blues-immunity in others' faces in the same way that the birds constantly mock me regarding their innate ability to fly. "Look at me! I'm flying! I don't even have a brain the size of a kiwi, and I can just fly right off this roof! Isn't that swell?" Stupid birds. Anyway, that just wouldn't be productive. No, I have come here today to offer constructive ideas for how to get yourself up out of that winter slump.

The items on the list I made above are obviously some of the biggest sources of the December dumps for many people, so why don't we take a look at each of them one at a time?

Only 8 Hours of Daylight
Sure, you could mope about, lamenting the fact that it's dark when you get to work, and dark again when you leave for home, but what good does that do you? How about instead use your creativity to take advantage of all that extra darkness. For instance, you could bring a 10 pound sack of potatoes in your car, and as you're driving down a busy street just toss it out the window. Thanks to the darkness, your neighboring drivers' imaginations take over at that point, and that sack of potatoes becomes a small child, a dog, or a stash of illicit drugs. Hah! Or how about filling up your car with a few thousand of those neon glow sticks so you look like some kind of freaky alien craft as you travel down the road? Or there's always the old standby "see if you can make it all the way home without turning on the headlights." That one's pretty fun, too.

Bitterly Cold Nights
Bitter cold means freezing temperatures all night. And freezing temperatures all night mean that when you pour a few five-gallon buckets of cold water over your car, it quickly becomes an ice shield, protecting the car from harmful air or falling leaves, plus not being able to open the doors means no thieves can steal your car overnight. Also useful as a home protection device—just pour the water all over your sidewalk, and you can sleep easy knowing that any would-be intruders are laid out on your lawn with a concussion, as seen in Home Alone. (Remember that movie? The first one, I mean. Not the "lets soak this idea for all we can" abominations that came later.) But bitter cold isn't just good for free security, it can be fun, too! Like turning on your neighbor's hose at night, and beholding the sweet sculptures that result all over his lawn in the morning. Or get a bunch of friends together and play "how long can you lay face-up on the ground outside in nothing but your underwears?" Good times.

Endless Rain
Oh man, what can't you do with rain? Lots of rain means lots of puddles, which of course means lots of HUGE SPLASHES when you drive your car right through them or jump directly into the middle with both feet. Bonus points if there happen to be children near enough to get soaked by the resulting tsunami. Or what about re-routing your neighbor's gutters so they pour the water right into the foundation, turning the ground beneath his foundation into soft mud, and his whole house sinks five or six feet overnight? Imagine the look on his face—priceless. If you get bored with that, try standing outside face-up with your mouth wide open and see how long it takes for the rain to fill up your mouth.

Frenzied Late-Night Shopping
Definitely one of my favorite Christmas-time activities is to head on over to the nearby popular mall and bask in the madness of thousands of people completely missing the point of it all. The closer you get to the big day, the stronger the air tastes of fear and desperation. In order to get the most out of this experience, I recommend coming armed with a bag full of candy canes and lumps of coal. Whenever you see someone doing something nice for another person, give them a candy cane and tell them: "You've been nice Sally/Billy (depending on if it's a guy or girl), here's a candy cane. Merry Christmas!" When you see someone being rude or impatient, give them a piece of coal, and say: "You've been naughty. All you get is this coal." You'll probably need about ten times as much coal as candy canes.

Family Time
Many people dread spending Christmas with family. Maybe it's because they only see these family members once a year (or less), or maybe it's because that one uncle is going to show up and get drunk and try to play darts with the cat and the ornaments. Well even dreaded family get-togethers can be a source of entertainment with just a little help from Mr. Rumor and Ms. Gag Gift. For example, whisper something like "don't tell Susan (your 25 year-old sister), but I think Uncle Joe (your 50 year-old single uncle) has a serious crush on her" into your other sister's ear, and let the amusing awkwardness commence. How about those extra-conservative grandparents of yours? Don't you think they would just love some sexy lingerie and an "erotic massage" book? Of course they would.

So as you can see, any potentially depressing situation can be turned around for the better. All it takes is a few ounces of creativity, a half-cup of deviousness, and a dash of criminal intent. If all else fails and you find you just can't do without that summer-induced buzz, you could always just take a six-month vacation in Australia (their seasons are opposite there, you know). I'm sure the kangaroos would be glad to have some non-criminally-descended people to practice their boxing with for a change.
Categories: Culture


Blogger Father Cory said...

Skor, as of today, you are the funniest person I know that I have never met. Congratulations.

10:55 PM, December 21, 2005  

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