Tuesday, April 04, 2006

SalesSpeak Translation Guide

probably not a keeperWith all the fun that I had last April Fool's Day, some of you might find it rather odd that I would entirely miss out on "celebrating" one of my favorite holidays this year. Indeed, it was truly lamentable that the most recent April 1 would pass without merrymaking, but it was not without explanation. For you see, I was very busy all day long... shopping for a car to replace the old reliable 244,000 mile jalopy that committed suicide a few weeks ago. Being the Skor Grimm devotee that you are, I am sure you recall that this would be a used car I was shopping for. Oh yes, I can feel your jealousy from here—oozing through the copper and fiber and all the way to my monitor. Used car shopping is just so thrilling, I know—you wish it had been you.

Actually, despite the romantic image that car shopping has, I have to admit that spending an entire day searching for "the" car was a less than delightful experience. After 8 hours, hundreds of cars, three test drives, and a dozen lots, coming up empty-handed just doesn't feel very satisfying, you know?

Thankfully though, the day was not a complete loss. During my numerous interactions throughout the day with some of the least trusted people in America* I was able to take a few notes that may help you to understand car-sales-speak. So for your benefit, here's a short list of things that car salesmen like to say, and what they mean in plain English.

SalesSpeak: "Hi Skor, I'm James, nice to meet you."
Translation: "Hello money-carrier. I will soon relieve you of your heavy green load."

SalesSpeak: "I'm confident we have the right car for you."
Translation: "You come across as so weak-willed that I'll bet I can pass the crappiest car on the back lot off on you."

SalesSpeak: "Don't worry about the price."
Translation: "You should definitely be very worried about the price."

SalesSpeak: "We'll make the numbers work."
Translation: "We intend to soak you for as much as we possibly can. And then some."

SalesSpeak: (Just after a test drive.) "So what did you think of the car?"
Translation: "Why don't we just skip to the part where you give us your money?"

SalesSpeak: (As you leave without a car.) "Thanks for coming in today."
Translation: "Well, crap. I just wasted half an hour on that tightwad."
Feel free to print those out on a 3x5 card to bring with you the next time you're burdened with the task of finding a new set of wheels. They might come in handy.

*Unless you count atheists or politicians, that is. I guess the absolute least-trusted person in America must be some kind of atheist used-car salesman—who's also on the city council.
Categories: Capitalism


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