Skor Grimm

I Can See The Future

2008-09-12T14:26:00.000-07:00

McCain wins the election in November
Due to age-related health issues, McCain does not run for re-election in 2012.
Sarah Palin, now with 4 years experience as VP under her belt, wins the Republican nomination.
Hilary Clinton comes back yet again, winning the Democrat nomination.

That's right. Palin vs. Clinton in 2012. I'm calling it now.

Categories: Politics

[insert political rant here?]

2006-11-08T11:03:00.000-08:00

So it would seem that my side took some pretty heavy damage last night. I guess this is the part where I'm supposed to loudly whine and complain, disparage huge swaths of the nation in a foul-mouthed tirade, and/or accuse the other side of cheating.

I think instead I'll just say that I hope that this defeat brings about real change where it is sorely needed. Let's get back to fiscal responsibility and a smaller government that gets out of the people's way.

Categories: Politics

Office Supply Fairy

2006-09-06T15:13:00.000-07:00

I got a visit from the office supply fairy last night. When I left work yesterday, my desk was clear and tidy, and when I came in this morning, there was a bag of office supplies laying neatly upon my desk calendar. Here's an inventory of what the office supply fairy brought me:

blue clickly ball-point pen
by "liquid" I mean those ones where you can see the liquid ink sloshing around inside
blue liquid fine-tip ball-point pen
red liquid fine-tip ball-point pen
green liquid fine-tip ball-point pen
purple liquid fine-tip ball-point pen
yellow liquid highlighter
orange liquid highlighter
mini screwdriver
pad of graph paper

Every one of these fine items is branded with the company logo. I don't really know why I need company-branded green and purple ink pens, and frankly, a mini screwdriver doesn't really seem to "fit in" with this particular supply bundle, but who am I to question the benevolence of the office supply fairy? He or she obviously knows what's best for the office. I mean, it's his or her job, right?

Now if only the winning lottery ticket fairy would find my desk...

Categories: Personal

Something that will really fit your life and lifestyle...

2006-08-29T15:30:00.000-07:00

Here are three quotes from a radio commercial that I have heard again and again over the last six months or so:

"In this fast-paced world, it's easy to lose sight of what's really important ... your life."

"I invite you to join us ... for something that will really fit your life and lifestyle."

"Be inspired to do something good for yourself!"

Do you think you can guess what product or service is being advertised here? How about I give you three choices:

a spa & massage therapy center
a hip new housing development
a church

If you guessed A, congratulations, you stink at guessing! However, if you guessed B, you still stink at guessing! The correct answer is C, a church. Because, you know, Jesus isn't interested in challenging you or helping you grow—he's all about fitting your life and lifestyle.

Excuse me while I go weep softly into my Life cereal.

Categories: Culture, Religion

C is for Cookie (and Capitalism)

2006-07-26T14:59:00.000-07:00

Zoips! Has it really been a week already since I last posted? I guess time flies when you're battling 17-foot-tall cyborg armadillos for great justice. It's not that I don't have good post ideas, really. It's just that duty calls, and all that jazz.

So anyway, where was I? Oh right, cookies. I like making cookies, and incidentally, other people like eating the cookies that I make. Probably a good idea would be to start a business where I make cookies, and then people pay me so they can eat them. That would be pretty sweet, don't you think (pun totally intended)? I could spend all day baking cookies, probably even eating one now and then, and then people would just hand over their hard-earned money!

Of course, I would have to figure out a place to sell the cookies. I could sell them over the internet, but it would be a little hard to give out enticing free samples that way. Plus, who wants to pay for shipping? Yuck. So I guess the internet is out. I could get one of those stands in the mall... that would be cool. The smell of fresh-baked cookies would be irresistible. But then where would I bake the cookies? I don't think the mall-stands have ovens. Hmm. I guess I could rent out a little shop in some quaint downtown. I would hire a cute little girl to stand out front with the free samples. She would totally give the puppy-dog eyes to everyone that walked by, and they would have no choice but to come inside and buy some cookies (unless they were some kind of black-hearted monster... with beady yellow eyes and unkempt hair). Dangit though, I bet renting a little shop in a quaint downtown is expensive. Probably all my cookie sales through 2 in the afternoon would be sucked up by rent. Then of course there's the little girl's salary, and the electric bill, and the dancing iguanas—those aren't cheap.

Selling cookies is hard.

Categories: Capitalism

Workplace Dilemma

2006-07-19T11:24:00.000-07:00

So I've got this dilemma at work. There's a big plastic tub in the lunchroom refrigerator, full of cherries. It doesn't have a lid (which would indicate that they're private cherries), but it also doesn't have a sign (which would indicate that they're public cherries). So the way I see it, I have three options:

Eat the cherries. All of them. In one sitting.
Don't eat the cherries. In fact, just to be safe, spray them down with two or three cans of Raid to make sure that no one eats them.
Hide the cherries in the ceiling.

If people would just clearly mark their cherries, I wouldn't run into this kind of problem.

Categories: Personal

Grammar-tastic Radio Sales Pitches

2006-07-17T11:51:00.000-07:00

On my way home from work a few days ago, I heard a pair of radio advertisements with the following quotes:

"If you're concerned about your health, reduced x-ray exposure, and the use of biocompatible materials is a service we provide."

Huh? If I am concerned about three things: my health, reduced x-ray exposure, and the use of biocompatible materials... what is the service they provide? They say "is a service we provide," so they're only talking about one service. If the service they provide is the use of biocompatible materials, how does that address my concerns about reduced x-ray exposure? And why the comma between "your health" and "reduced x-ray exposure"? I'm so confused.

Here's the second gem:

"It's like having a personal masseuse for every member of your family and lifestyle."

SayWA? I was with them up until "and lifestyle." I didn't know that my lifestyle has members, and I certainly wasn't aware that those members of my lifestyle were in need of a masseuse. I know I didn't mis-hear the ad, because it has played two or three times. I swear that's the actual quote.

Is it just me, or are both of those sentences almost completely incomprehensible? When you're advertising the benefits of your product or service, don't you want prospective customers to actually have some clue what those benefits are? I'm completely at a loss to explain what point these advertisements were trying to get across. All I heard was "we failed second-grade English."

Categories: Capitalism

Cow vs. Stu

2006-07-13T22:06:00.000-07:00

Want to hear an amusing story? Of course you don't, but that's too bad, because I'm going to tell one anyway. As you obviously are well aware, Skor's inspiration for posting in this blog has been rather... lacking as of late. What brought on this drought is a deep mystery lost to the ages (and the circles and the ages and the ages). But the fact that Skor hasn't been posting on the blog isn't an amusing story. It's not even a mildly interesting story. It's just boring.

The following tale may not be amusing either, but hopefully it at least won't put you to sleep. In the last few days, a series of events has transpired that has revived the creative spirit within Skor. Ironically, the individual that instigated the series of events apparently intended to silence Skor, when in fact his actions have resulted in the exact opposite result. The thing is, when assaulted by angry jerk-faces wielding an extremely limited vocabulary, Skor's reaction is one of amused vengeance, rather than cowering submission.

Perhaps the details of this story are a bit too vague to be amusing. Allow me to elaborate by way of analogy. Imagine a cow named Nebuchadnezzar, that writes a column for the local newsletter. Nebuchadnezzar the newsletter-writing cow. One day Nebuchadnezzar writes a column that upsets someone. Much, much, later, a friend of the upset person (we'll call the friend Stu) shows up at Nebuchadnezzar's door with a flaming torch and a pitchfork. When Nebuchadnezzar opens the door, Stu spits in his face and dances on his pet hedgehog's grave. Nebuchadnezzar tries to reason with Stu, but unfortunately Stu does not have the mental capacity for reason. He just starts reciting the Gettysburg Address and then sets fire to Nebuchadnezzar's lawn (which is also his food supply—he is a cow, after all). Fed up with the juvenile antics of Stu, Nebuchadnezzar decides to take matters into his own hooves. He squirts vinegar in Stu's eyes, and stomps on his toes. Stu shrieks like a little girl, and runs (limps) away crying.

What Skor has been through in the past week is basically like that, except with a higher concentration of fresh raspberries. Now you can understand Skor's new-found inspiration for making posts again.

Blarg.

image sourceCategories: Personal

Modern Superstitions

2006-06-27T11:07:00.000-07:00

Being an enlightened citizen of our present era, you most likely place no stock in silly superstitions such as concerns about black cats or Friday the 13th. With the aid of science, modern society has put such ridiculous notions to rest once and for all... or have we?

Although now may not be the best time to buy stock in rabbits' feet, there are definitely some aspects of our lives in which superstition still reigns supreme. The best example of this can be found in travel by air. Consider the airport security checkpoint. Items not allowed through (find the complete list here):

scissors
pool cues
screwdrivers
wrenches

Let's also not forget that ever since some idiot failed to blow up a plane with his shoe, they've been x-raying and swabbing millions of sneakers every day. Now here's a list of some things that are allowed through the security checkpoint:

glass bottles or vases
sharpened pencils
fishing line
aluminum cans

What explanation can be offered other than superstition to explain why benign objects such as wrenches, pool cues, and screwdrivers are forbidden, but items that can much more readily be used as weapons are waved on through? Any rational person should be equally concerned about a glass vase that can be shattered and turned into a dozen sharp blades or a pencil that could easily be stabbed through one's neck, or a fishing line used to choke someone as they are about box cutters and knives. Of course, the only truly safe policy for air travel would be the 100% consistent policy I laid out way back in 2004.

The superstition doesn't end once you get on the plane, either. Once you've boarded you get to sit through the usual routine about the safety features of the aircraft, yadda yadda... "Your seat cushion can be used as a flotation device..." Wait a minute. Quick, when was the last time a plane crashed into the water and people survived thanks to their floating seat cushion? Has there ever been such an occurrence?

On a recent flight I was on they asked people to take off their headphones "so you can hear the flight attendants" while they go through the safety spiel. Okay, that's a fair reason, but I've got a pair of those "noise reduction" headphones that cut out the background hum of the airplane (while still allowing you to hear most everything else), so I decided it would be okay to wear them anyway as long as I didn't plug them into anything. Well, shortly after they got through with their talk, the flight attendant doing the pre-flight walk-through of the cabin informed me that I had to take off my headphones. Fully prepared for this, I showed her the unplugged cord that I was holding in my hand as evidence that my hearing was not being impaired (not that it mattered anyway since they were done with their safety announcements). "It doesn't matter," she informed me, "you can't have on headphones, or have anything in your ears during take-off." Oooo-kay, sure. I took off the headphones, assuring the flight attendant that "I wouldn't want the plane to crash because of my ears."

Lastly, can anyone out there explain to me how exactly a "portable electronic device" is more likely to jeopardize the safety of the aircraft (or those within it) than say... a book? I'm not talking about devices that may "send or receive wireless signals," although the absolute ban on those doesn't exactly seem rational either—are they saying that the sophisticated redundant instruments in their multi-million dollar aircraft are likely to fail if someone turns on a radio? No, I'm talking about "approved portable electronic devices." You know, iPods, Nintendo DSes, notebook computers, that sort of thing. Would turning on one of these devices really somehow put the take-off and landing procedure in terrible peril? Is there something about physically ascending and descending that makes the aircraft's systems magically susceptible to failure due to even one rogue electron? Furthermore, are the people that make these rules aware that the vast majority of modern electronic devices are never really completely powered down? For iPods, Nintendo DSes, and notebook computers, "off" is really "sleep", since there is still some sort of electronic activity going on to keep track of (at a minimum) what time it is. It's a wonder that there aren't planes crashing during take-off or landing every single day.

Maybe some day we will be a society that is truly free of superstition, but let me assure you, today is not that day.

Categories: Culture, Sci/Tech

Quality Over Quantity

2006-06-05T13:06:00.000-07:00

Here at Skor Studios we value quality over quantity. Skor is not the type of blogger to make a post every single day just for the sake of making a post. Skor only posts when he has something to say.

The only trouble is, Skor hasn't produced quality or quantity two full weeks now. Rest assured, Skor will return... some day.

Categories: Personal

Workplace Conversation

2006-05-22T09:09:00.000-07:00

Setting: Late afternoon impromptu meeting between Boss and Employee.

Boss: Employee, we need to talk about your Internet habits.
Employee: Okay, what's up?
B: I've noticed that you've been checking your personal email a lot lately.
E: I do check my personal email online occasionally, yes...
B: It's more than occasionally, it's almost every time I look over your shoulder, which I do quite often.
E: Hmm, okay... well am I not completing my assigned tasks in an acceptable time?
B: That's not a problem. In fact I'm quite pleased with your work.
E: Then what's the problem with checking my email once in a while?
B: It gives the appearance that you're not doing work.
E: But we just established that I am doing work. Good work, even. Other than lunch, I don't take structured breaks (as I am legally allowed), so instead I spend a few seconds here and there checking my email.
B: I don't take breaks, either. In fact, I regularly work longer hours than I'm required to, and I eat my lunch in five minutes flat. Why do you have to check your personal email, anyway? I frequently go days without checking mine.
E: Well, I don't have to any more than our other coworkers have to spend time discussing what they did last weekend or their children's latest antics, I just like to. How about this, what if I set aside a few regularly-scheduled breaks—say five minutes a piece—would that work?
B: You know, when I come in to work, I think of nothing other than work all day long. Not once do my thoughts stray from performing my job, from the time I walk in the door to the time I get in my car.
E: Okay... see the thing is... I'm not a robot. I occasionally need a human diversion.
B: ERROR. DOES NOT COMPUTE.

Categories: Personal, Culture

Thrilled!

2006-05-16T07:56:00.000-07:00

The following is a direct, unmolested quote from an email that was sent to me at work regarding an upcoming training session:

In this 3-day, highly interactive class, you'll learn product features and benefits, product applications, how to demo equipment to your customers and competitive comparisons - taught in an easy-to-learn, small group environment. The learning experience is enhanced through daily hands-on operational time with the equipment you're proud to sell and we're thrilled to build.

They are so right! Whenever I walk around the factory floor, the excitement of the laborers just oozes out! It's nothing but smiles, laughter, happiness, rainbows, butterflies, and unicorns at our company! We are thrilled to be building our equipment!

Categories: Personal

RIPPED From the Headlines!

2006-05-15T08:17:00.000-07:00

In the spirit of sweeps month, the following poll has been RIPPED FROM THE HEADLINES!

What are you most afraid of?

Categories: News, Culture

Accidental Advertising

2006-05-10T08:35:00.000-07:00

Here's an example of a really good advertising campaign:

"Accidents happen," say new waiting-room posters headed for the 49,000 members of the American College of Obstetricians and Gynecologists (ACOG). The posters are part of a campaign urging doctors to explain the morning-after pill to every woman of reproductive age they examine, and offer a prescription to those eligible.

"Whoops! I accidentally had sex last night!"

I hate when that happens.

Source: Seattle Times

Categories: News, Culture

Liveblogging: Nintendo E3 Press Conference!

2006-05-09T09:32:00.000-07:00

Regardless of how "used to it" we may all be by now, Wii is still a pretty stupid name, but as I said, I'm still almost certainly going to buy one, so as you may guess, I'm pretty interested in what Nintendo has to say today. Today is their big press conference at the Electronics Entertainment Exposition in Los Angeles. In fact, it starts just 20 minutes from now as I write these words.

I know full well that anyone else who is really interested in what's going on down there today is either watching the live internet broadcast themselves or getting their news from more reputable sources. However, those same reasons didn't stop me from liveblogging the shuttle liftoff, so why should they stop me now? Also, I may be at work, and headphones may be against the rules, but when have I let little things like corporate policy get in the way of a good blog post? Never, that's when. So, here we go.

All times in Pacific Time Zone
9:10 AM - Getting the live broadcast set up now. Scooting my PC closer to me so my secret headphone cord can reach.
9:15 AM - Better go use the bathroom. I expect this to be some pretty exciting news, and I wouldn't want to... um... wii my pants or anything. Childish I know, but I just couldn't resist.
9:20 AM - Ow! My headphones just zapped me in the ear!
9:27 AM - They're playing some kind of BT remix on the live broadcast while we wait for the actual event to begin. It's pretty cool actually.
9:29 AM - Any minute now it's going to start! Heck yeah!
9:33 AM - Still waiting...
9:38 AM - Oh yeah, here we go. Sweet. Starting off with Miyamoto standing on the stage conducting an imaginary orchestra (on the screen behind him) with the Wii controller.
9:39 AM - Now he's playing some kind of racing game, now a fighting game with swords and stuff. He's dressed in a suit, not exactly my idea of ideal game-playing attire.
9:40 AM - Reggie: "What you'll see from Nintendo is not just next, instead it's what's absolutely new... Playing is no longer just about looks, it's about the feel... it's about everyone... Most of all the next leap is not just about what you see, because what you see is not always what you get. The next leap is about playing, because playing is believing."
9:42 AM - Video of various people playing Wii games, interspersed with the playful i's from the Wii name.
9:43 AM - Holy crap! There's going to be a Mario game on this thing! Who knew?
9:44 AM - ...and wait a minute... that's Metroid and WarioWare! Shocking!
9:47 AM - Video's over, back to Reggie...
9:47 AM - "Today, you will see, and tomorrow, you'll start to feel... We have answers to some questions, but deliberately not to all."
9:49 AM - So he's going to tell us how much it will cost and when we'll get it, and he also says he's going to explain what kind of drugs they were on when they chose that name. (My money's on the magic mushrooms.)
9:51 AM - Date and price: "We believe it's in our best interests to keep the details private for just a little while longer." Curses! You bum!
9:52 AM - "We want to thank everyone who wrote good things [about the name] on the first day you heard of it... Both of you."
9:53 AM - Another video, Metroid Prime 3... DragonBall Z...Disaster, Day of Crisis...SpongeBob...Super Mario Galaxy (which looks freakin sweet, btw)...Red Steel...Rayman4 (hey there's that kid with the ridiculous hair!)...Sonic...Madden...Final Fantasy...
9:56 AM - Talking about Zelda... "best Zelda, most beautiful" available on launch day.
9:57 AM - Two guys going to demo how to play Zelda on the Wii.
9:58 AM - Wii version of Twilight Princess has a fairy. A fairy!
9:59 AM - Built into the Wii remote is a speaker (sorry guys, read that two days ago, not surprised), provides "depth of sound." Controller has built-in rumble, too.
10:00 AM - Dude playing the game is getting wasted by baddies shooting arrows, other guy: "Nate, you're the only person in America who's played this game, and you still can't take this guy out?"
10:03 AM - Reggie again, man he comes across as really serious, almost angry. Lighten up Reggie, we're talking about video games here! VIDEO GAMES!
10:04 AM - Talking about Metroid Prime 3: Corruption... "the most intuitive first person shooter, ever.
10:05 AM - Super Mario Galaxy, sweet new moves...
10:06 AM - New franchises... Excite Truck, offroad racing game... Project H.A.M.M.E.R.... Disaster, Day of Crisis...
10: AM - Third party games: Sonic, Final Fantasy, Madden, Tony Hawk, Rayman...
10:08 AM - 27 different Wii games playable at E3. Twenty-seven!
10:09 AM - Couple of Frenchies demonstrating Red Steel. They are "Wiily wery excited to be here today."
10:12 AM - Aside from the fact that I'm really not that excited about this Red Steel game, I can barely understand this French guy. I think he's speaking English, but I just can't be sure. This webcast should have captions or something.
10:14 AM - Killing henchmen, now the boss is submitting to you. Oh, we just killed him. Too bad.
10:16 AM - Reggie: Time to talk about the Nintendo DS.
10:17 AM - Soft-talking George is laying the smack down on the PSP. "It's a matter of games." "Only the DS delivered." DS has sold more than 16 million units, PSP has sold millions less—millions less. Boom! Take that, Sony!
10:19 AM - Fancy new logo for a series of games called "Touch Generations." DS Lite comes to the US soon... New Mario comes soon...
10:21 AM - I'm excited about the DS and all, but George isn't telling me anything that I don't already know... 100 new DS games before the end of the year, etc., etc...
10:22 AM - Now playing: DS promo video. Lots of happy pretty people playing DS Lites... Yoshi's Island 2, that looks cool.
10:23 AM - Way more shots in this video of people playing the DS than of the DS games themselves...
10:24 AM - Satoru Iwata, Nintendo President: We want to expand the number of people that play games.
10:26 AM - He's giving a brief history of the DS. I'm a gaming freak, Mr. Iwata, I already know the history of the DS.
10:27 AM - Come on... I know you've got something else up your sleeve man, you're killing me here! Out with it!
10:28 AM - Lamenting the long delay between powering on the console and the game play actually beginning... I'm lamenting the long delay between the beginning of this conference and the real meat!
10:29 AM - Wii will boot up super fast, just a few seconds.
10:30 AM - The Wii will do stuff when it's "off." "Wii will become the system that never sleeps." "WiiConnect24" Uses the same power as a miniature light bulb... Constantly connected to the net so you can get game add-ons while you sleep.
10:31 AM - WiiConnect24 lets people visit your Animal Crossing town when you're not around. Now that's what I'm talking about. Here comes Skor the AC vandal!
10:33 AM - WiiSports: Available on launch day. Basically cheesy cartoon characters playing tennis.
10:34 AM - Back to serious Reggie: "3,000 watching in the audience, a lot more online."
10:35 AM - Miyamoto comes on stage to announce the winner of the sweepstakes to be the first to play the Wii up on stage. But first he's explaining how to use the Wii controller.
10:37 AM - The winner is... Scott Dier! Iwata comes out to play tennis vs. the winner. Two on two match, Miyamoto & the winner vs Iwata & Reggie. Miyamoto & Dier win easily. Time for a rematch, cause Nintendo executives are poor losers, apparently.
10:40 AM - Miyamoto & Dier win again.
10:41 AM - Reggie one more time... "What's hot is the feel of the game, the look is secondary."
10:42 AM - Man, he still looks really angry! And he's closing it up... Last word: "Playing is believing."
10:43 AM - So that's it, the feed is now dead. Conveniently my boss has been missing in action this entire time.

Final thoughts: Surprisingly there wasn't anything really shocking revealed today. Just a strong emphasis on actually playing the Wii. Well duh guys, I already know I want to play it! They won't even tell us when it is coming and for how much! I don't really know anything that I didn't know before the conference. I basically just spent an hour being reminded of the fact that I'm stuck at work in Seattle while the sweet sweet video games are all down in LA. Argh!

Perhaps if I start an internet chant, Nintendo will let me have a Wii. So here we go, We want Wii! We want Wii! We want Wii! We want Wii! We want Wii!

Categories: Sci/Tech

Super Awesome Super Villain

2006-05-08T16:22:00.000-07:00

You know what would be a pretty sweet super villain? The PlantMaster. Think about it. Plants are everywhere, right?

in your back yard—plants!
lining city streets—plants!
in a pot on your bookshelf—plants!
coming up through the sidewalk cracks—plants!
even in the center of our biggest cities—plants!

Seriously, being able to command plants to do my bidding would absolutely rock. There will be no stopping me as I send out the thistle seed spies and the ivy consumes my enemies (and their headquarters).

Of course, I will only use my powers for awesome. My stated mission will be to fight stupidity. It's a huge mission, but that's why I've got the entire plant kingdom fighting for me. We will be unstoppable.

Throughout my reign of terror stupid people will be so terrified that they won't even keep little potted plants on their desks at work. They'll be all like "oh my, I'm so afraid of the PlantMaster!" As well they should be.

Fear me, idiots. Fear the PlantMaster.

Categories: Personal

"u deserve to burn in hell"

2006-05-03T10:15:00.000-07:00

These are all real quotes that have been directed at Skor:

"YOU ARE ONE SICK PERSON"

"PEOPLE LIKE YOU THAT ARE PATHEDIC."

"i w0uld really love 2 get ahold of u and make u suffer"

"u deserve to burn in hell u sick #*%$&@! no wonder our world is the way it is"

So what crawled into these people's unmentionables and got them so upset? Why, Skor's June 2005 offer of Free Kittens to a Bad Home, of course. Because obviously the offer was completely serious, and all of the claims made in the post were 100% accurate representations of fact.

The really interesting thing about it is that three of the nine comments made so far to that post have been made in just the last few weeks. Two of those three are quoted above, and the other is a desperate plea from someone that claims they "want all of your kittens" and "will seriously take all of them." What could explain these clueless people suddenly appearing nearly a year after the post was originally made? Two words: MSN and Yahoo.

Far be it from me to judge the general intelligence of others, but when someone decides that the best way to find a new pet is to use an inferior Internet search engine, and they land on a joke that flies miles over their head... you have to be amazed at that display of density.

I mean seriously, people really believe that "I've been feeding her [Tough Orange] for the past week"? Wow. Just, wow.

Categories: Personal, Internet

Yummy Tasty Poison

2006-05-02T15:09:00.000-07:00

Let's play pretend. Imagine a poison with the following attributes:

easy to obtain
doesn't kill you right away
doesn't (directly) make you sick
each dose just shaves your lifespan by a tiny random amount
tastes absolutely delicious—I mean like, really good

If, hypothetically, such a poison existed, would you indulge in it? I mean, it does taste good, and it's only going to shorten your lifespan by a little bit. So why not at least give it a try, and then if you like it, you can have a little more, and if you like that, a little more... Oh heck, why not just go ahead and eat it every day? You may not live as long, but the days you do spend alive will be that much better, right?

Actually, I fooled you. The poison isn't imaginary, it's real. In fact, I bet that you already indulge in this poison every single day . It goes by many different names, but it has all of the qualities listed above. Here are just a few of the names for this poison:

fast food
junk food
ice cream
candy
chocolate
canned pasta

Pretty much the entire modern American diet is a form of poison. Don't believe me? Go ask a doctor how healthy you would be if you consumed nothing but natural foods (fruits & vegetables, no pre-prepared dinners, no eating out, etc.). The doctor will tell you that your immune system would be stronger, you would have more energy, and you would live a generally longer, healthier life.

But don't let a little thing like your health get in the way of eating whatever you want. If you stop eating tasty, convenient food, the terrorists will have already won.

Categories: Culture

Find the $30 Tabs

2006-04-28T17:45:00.000-07:00

Skor recently replaced his 4-wheeled dinosaur with a newer moving metal cage. This means a relatively large sum of money changed hands, which of course means that the government just had to get its greasy, obese fingers all up in on the action. Ever the upstanding citizen, Skor dutifully went down to the local licensing office last week, half a dozen documents in hand, and attempted to fork over his hard-earned cash. Unfortunately, one of Skor's papers wasn't signed and stamped by the right person, so the government representative refused to accept the large pile of money that Skor foisted in their face.

Undaunted, Skor acquired the appropriate documents and returned today to complete the transaction. Joy of joys, all the papers were in order this time, and the government accepted Skor's hush money. So why is this worth writing about? Because, dear citizen, there's something odd about the fancy official paper that Skor just paid $567.45 for. Something odd indeed. Namely, Skor just can't seem to find the $30 fee for the tabs. You know, the $30 tabs that Washington State voters have approved twice and former Governor Gary Locke signed into law in 2000.

So let's play a fun game! It's called: Find the $30 tabs. Here's how it works. Skor shows you the fee breakdown section of his registration, and you find the part that represents the $30 tabs. That's it—easy!

So, here you go:

Find the $30 Tabs! - Click to enlarge.

Can you find the $30 tabs?

Categories: Politics

Wii are not amused.

2006-04-27T10:28:00.000-07:00

As has been stated time and again, Skor is an equal mock-ortunity blogger. When Skor's favorite state comes up with a ridiculous tourism slogan, Skor is there. And when Skor's favorite video game company comes up with a ridiculous product name, Skor is also there. Behold the official name for Nintendo's upcoming console, previously code-named Revolution: Wii.

Introducing ... Wii.
As in "we."
While the code-name "Revolution" expressed our direction, Wii represents the answer.
Wii will break down that wall that separates video game players from everybody else.
Wii will put people more in touch with their games ... and each other. But you're probably asking: What does the name mean?
Wii sounds like "we," which emphasizes this console is for everyone.
Wii can easily be remembered by people around the world, no matter what language they speak. No confusion. No need to abbreviate. Just Wii.
Wii has a distinctive "ii" spelling that symbolizes both the unique controllers and the image of people gathering to play.
And Wii, as a name and a console, brings something revolutionary to the world of video games that sets it apart from the crowd.
So that's Wii. But Now Nintendo needs you.
Because, it's really not about you or me.
It's about Wii.
And together, Wii will change everything.

Ooooo-kay. Now I'll grant that I'm highly likely to purchase this device regardless of what it is called, but Wii?!? What were they thinking? Is there some kind of rule that the more awesome something is the stupider its name must be? Or perhaps they know that this thing will fly off the shelves no matter how freakish a name it has, so they chose a name that would make them laugh to hear people talking seriously about. I guess I could respect that kind of motive.

Source: Nintendo via Engadget

Categories: Sci/Tech

Complicated Electronic Appliances

2006-04-25T12:47:00.000-07:00

There's a microwave in the lunch room at work that has what is quite likely the simplest possible interface for such a device. Here's the whole process:

put the food in
shut the door
turn the knob clockwise to the desired time

That's it—the microwave starts cooking automatically and counts down the precious seconds until the food is ready for the impatient ravenous consumer.

Moments ago as I removed my food from said microwave, a coworker placed her food inside, stopped, stared blankly at the appliance, and asked: "How do you work this?"

Oh my.

Categories: Personal

Disguising the Disgusting

2006-04-24T14:26:00.000-07:00

As you may recall, if there's one beverage that I really detest, it's coffee. This puts me in an interesting situation. Living in Seattle and hating the devil's black brew is probably akin to living in Texas and hating high school football or living in France and hating surrender. That is to say, I just don't have very many local peers that sympathize with or even comprehend my preference.

In fact, some of my friends not only fail to understand just how deeply I despise coffee, but they seem to have taken it as a personal challenge to convert me to their cult of the sinister sludge. Once in a while they attempt to offer me some coffee-based drink—you know, just in case I have perhaps changed my mind. Or sometimes they'll try to push some mocha or latté aberration on me, proclaiming: "It's got so much milk / chocolate / caramel / sugar / all-of-the-above in it, that you can hardly taste the coffee!"

Okay, let me ask you something. Do you like to eat dirt? No? Well what if I made some brownies, and dirt was just one of the ingredients? You know, there would be so much sugar, flour, and cocoa in the brownies that you would hardly be able to taste the dirt! Does that sound good? NO! Of course it doesn't sound good! You just don't like to eat dirt, so the very thought of consuming dirt in any form causes your lunch to plot an escape route from your stomach. Brownies are good if there is no dirt in them at all! If a drink that's loaded with sugar, milk, and chocolate is so good, wouldn't it be even better if you left out the disgusting coffee? Of course it would.

How about we make a deal—I'll become a regular coffee drinker when you become a regular dirt eater.

Categories: Personal, Culture

Cow Flesh: It's What's For Dinner

2006-04-21T11:49:00.000-07:00

Here's a fun mental exercise. Think about the names of some of the various meats that we eat:

Beef
Steak
Pork
Ham
Bacon
Lamb
Chicken
Turkey
Duck
Salmon
Halibut
Catfish

When you look at them all in a list like that, do you notice any particular pattern? Well, since you're not very good at recognizing patterns, I'll just tell you what the pattern is. The meats that come from four-legged critters have non-animal names, while the meats from birds and fish are simply named after their respective beast. Why is that? Some may try to argue that the different types of meat that come from the four-leggers all need special names, but bird flesh produces different types of meat too—we just call it what it is: leg, thigh, breast, wing, etc.—, so that can't be it. "Cow back" is just as easy to say as "t-bone steak."

So here's my theory. People don't like to think about the fact that they're actually consuming a cute furry animal. What are the most popular two types of pets? Dogs & cats, right? Four-legged furry animals. What do people go to the zoo to see? Lions, tigers, bears, giraffes, hippos, that kind of thing—four-legged furry (well mostly) animals. People have some kind of inherent attachment to furry animals. They're easy to ascribe emotion to, and somehow we just relate to them. The thought of cutting up a cuddly critter with your knife and fork just doesn't sit well with us, so we give the food different names that won't remind us of our dinner's cuddliness. Birds and fish aren't similar enough to us to give us quite that same uneasy feeling in the pits of the stomach, so full awareness of eating them isn't a big deal to us.

The only anomaly that I can think of as far as this theory is concerned is lamb. Lambs are just about the cuddliest food source of all, and yet we don't have any special name for them at all. I guess no matter what name you gave it, non-evil people would still have a hard time eating lamb. So we just figure why bother with the special names at all. If someone is cold-hearted enough to chow down on the very symbol of innocence, they don't deserve the comfort of meat euphemisms.

Here's a fun game that I like to play just to catch people off guard. The next time you're eating or discussing some kind of cow or pig meat, be sure to refer to it actually as cow or pig. For example, "I'll have the roast beef sandwich" becomes "I'll have the roast cow sandwich." Bonus points for discussing the doomed animals emotions.

image sourceCategories: Culture

Sheltered Life

2006-04-20T15:58:00.000-07:00

I was thinking today that there are some things that I have just really missed out on in life. You know, like some things that I've never gotten to experience, and probably never will. For instance, I have regrettably never:

been slapped in the face by a girl
eaten an entire cow
spat on someone
fainted
punched (or kicked) a hole in the wall
scaled a skyscraper
spent a whole day without clothing
drank boiling molasses

I bet the average person has probably experienced at least five or six of those, if not every single one, and yet I could make a list of similar items ten times the size of this one. Is a life that is lived without these things even worthy of being called a life at all?

Pity me for the extremely sheltered life I have lived.

Categories: Personal

Taking Advantage of the Oblivious

2006-04-17T08:29:00.000-07:00

It often seems like everyone these days is always busy. People fancy themselves to be so busy that they have all but given up the lost art of engaging others in meaningful conversation. "How's it going" has become not a question, but really just another way of saying "I'm busy, go away—also I don't really like you." You may think that I'm writing this to bemoan the sad state of affairs, or to propose some relatively humorous "solution." In fact I am here to do neither of those things. What I am here to do is to share an amusing way to take advantage of the situation.

When most people say "how's it going" you can tell that they aren't really listening to your reply. You could say "suicidal," but if you say it with the right tone they won't even notice. It's that obliviousness that is the key to my evil plan. Picture the following scenario:

While walking through the local mall, Skor comes across a lady and her daughter. Both of them are, shall we say... horizontally challenged. The daughter is ferociously slurping down a large milkshake with a yellow "M" on the cup.

Skor: Hi there. (spoken in a tone as if Skor and Lady are good friends and see each other frequently)

Lady: Um, hi. (somewhat confused and annoyed that she has been distracted from her important business)

Skor: My, what a well-fed daughter you have! (delivered enthusiastically, as if it were a genuine compliment)

Lady: Thank you! (wasn't listening at all to the actual words, thinks she's just been complimented, and would like to be left alone now)

See how easy it is to say absolutely awful things to people right to their face without them even noticing? And it's fun, too! Here are some degrading phrases you can say that sound positive to the oblivious ear:

You look good enough to be a radio host!
You're clever enough to be on TV.
I trust you almost as much as I trust my Senator.
Haven't I seen you on TV? QVC I think it was...
It's so great that you have the confidence to completely neglect exercise and healthy eating.
You have quite the unique fashion sense.

You get the idea. I should warn you though, this method of amusment will only work on the average or below-average American. If you try to pull such a thing over on someone of above-average intelligence you're likely to get sucker-punched in the face. Don't say I didn't warn you.

Categories: Culture

Pirates vs. Ninjas vs. ATF

2006-04-13T21:39:00.000-07:00

Guess who wins the prize for most totally sweet headline of the year (so far)? Redandblack.com for this:

ATF rids Univ. of ninja threat
ATF agents are always on alert for anything suspicious — including ninjas.

Alcohol, Tobacco and Firearm agents, on campus Tuesday for Project Safe Neighborhoods training, detained a "suspicious individual" near the Georgia Center, University Police Chief Jimmy Williamson said.

Jeremiah Ransom, a sophomore from Macon, was leaving a Wesley Foundation pirate vs. ninja event when he was detained.
...
"Agents noticed someone wearing a bandanna across the face and acting in a somewhat suspicious manner, peeping around the corner," said ATF special agent in charge Vanessa McLemore.

Ransom was wearing black sweatpants and an athletic T-shirt with one red bandanna covering the bottom half of his face and another covering the top of his head, Williamson said.

"Seeing someone with something across the face, from a federal standpoint — that's not right," McLemore said, explaining why agents believed something to be amiss.

Duly noted—don't put things across your face. Obviously though this guy wasn't a real ninja.

didn't flip out and kill people
no uppercuts
very careful and precise? apparently not
real ninjas have REAL Ultimate Power

ATF guys would know better than to mess with a ninja. Personally I can't stop thinking about ninjas, they're just so awesome. In fact I think I'm going to go out right now and buy The Official Ninja Book.

Source: redandblack.com

Categories: News, Culture

Skor's Ponderings

2006-04-11T13:16:00.000-07:00

I wish I had a job as a robot-inventor, because then I would invent a robot to do the actual inventing part, and I could just sit back and relax all day while the robots served me sugar-milk in stone goblets.

Plus, when the robot uprising finally happened, they would treat me as one of their own, or at least give me a nicer containment pod than the rest of you slobs.

I think my robots would have little lava lamps for eyes. That would be cool.

Categories: Personal

Clueless at the Self-Checkout

2006-04-09T22:04:00.000-07:00

Unless you've been living in some kind of cave (or the Midwest) for the past few years, you've probably noticed the proliferation of self-checkout devices in retail outlets. I think I first noticed them in grocery stores, then in home improvement megavilles, and more recently they've even appeared in a Costco. In general, I definitely approve of the idea of self-checkout. Not only because I prefer to avoid human interaction at all costs, but also because I am generally able to move through the self-checkout more quickly than the... um... checker...person...checkout.

I'm sure that "generally quicker" would be "always quicker" except for one obstacle: clueless bold people. Most clueless people seem to have some kind of internal mechanism that tells them to avoid "computery" things like the self-checkout, since they're probably too complicated for them to figure out. These are the people that slow down the normal checkout lines with their piles of coupons, last-minute mind-changing, and misplaced credit cards. Unfortunately for us, some clueless people seem to have come equipped without the handy "avoid computery things" feature. They aren't deterred by complicated things, even if it's the same complicated thing that has foiled them the last dozen times they've encountered it.

They stare blankly at the touch screen for 30 seconds between each button press or scanned item. They scan an item then don't place it in the "bagging area." They spend 5 minutes trying to scan a 10 foot beam. They somehow screw something up two seconds in that requires employee assistance. Suddenly the self-checkout isn't so self anymore. Around Christmas I witnessed this phenomenon at the Post Office, when all five people in front of me in line at the "Postal ATM" had to have a postal employee walk them through every step of mailing a package, even touching the buttons on the screen for them. Wowzers.

It is for this reason that I propose the following feature. You know how, in order to legally drive a motorcycle, you have to get a "motorcycle endorsement" on your driver's license? I propose that stores that offer a self-checkout require a similar endorsement in order to use it. The test to obtain the endorsement would require a basic demonstration of touchscreen competency. In addition, one's self-checkout endorsement would be subject to revocation at any time if it became apparent that they were in fact clueless. This way the clueless people stay where they belong—out of my way.

I think it's a pretty good plan.

image sourceCategories: Culture

Four Great Justice

2006-04-06T08:53:00.000-07:00

Some people seem to think that it is a good idea to pass along list-making type things like some kind of voluntary blog-virus. Last time Skor was smacked with one of these he was compelled to create a bunch of "three things" lists. This time around the punishment has been increased to four things, so there's no time to waste. Let's begin.

Four jobs I've had:
- making sandwiches for people that are too lazy to do it themselves
- solving computer problems for people too confused to do it themselves
- professional troublemaker and thorn in the flesh of authority figures
- writing this blog for people too stingy to pay me
Four movies I could watch over and over:
- O Brother, Where Art Thou?
- Seriously, I've been looking for thou for like, hours.
- I declare thee the winner, hide and seek time is over.
- Wait, what was the question?
Four places I've lived:
- very clean house
- dorm
- apartment
- secret hideout
Four TV shows I love to watch:
- Malcolm in the Middle
- Lost
- Arrested Development (except that Fox killed it, those jerks)
- TV is stupid.
Four places I've been:
- Ape Cave ook! ook!
- Mt. Pleasant
- That place where those two guys flew some plane.
- 20,000 leagues under the sea.
Four favorite dishes:
- cereal bowl
- stone goblet
- dessert tray
- dinner plate
Four sites I visit daily:
- I think this is getting too personal.
- I don't think I'm ready to share this with you.
- How about you?
- What do you want?
Four favorite drinks:
- Big Red
- kitten tears
- 1 cup milk + 1 cup sugar = pure delicious
- antidote serum
Four places I would rather be:
- in bed
- Strongbadia (there's probably lots of chocolate)
- the FUTURE!
- on TV
Four transport methods I often use:
- electric-assisted bicycle
- some kinda car
- puppy-powered rickshaw
- This question is stupid.
Four people I'm tagging:

For your health and sanity Skor took the liberty of eliminating the funny British spelling of "favourite," as well as making the capitalization more consistent.

Categories: Personal, Internet

SalesSpeak Translation Guide

2006-04-04T22:38:00.000-07:00

With all the fun that I had last April Fool's Day, some of you might find it rather odd that I would entirely miss out on "celebrating" one of my favorite holidays this year. Indeed, it was truly lamentable that the most recent April 1 would pass without merrymaking, but it was not without explanation. For you see, I was very busy all day long... shopping for a car to replace the old reliable 244,000 mile jalopy that committed suicide a few weeks ago. Being the Skor Grimm devotee that you are, I am sure you recall that this would be a used car I was shopping for. Oh yes, I can feel your jealousy from here—oozing through the copper and fiber and all the way to my monitor. Used car shopping is just so thrilling, I know—you wish it had been you.

Actually, despite the romantic image that car shopping has, I have to admit that spending an entire day searching for "the" car was a less than delightful experience. After 8 hours, hundreds of cars, three test drives, and a dozen lots, coming up empty-handed just doesn't feel very satisfying, you know?

Thankfully though, the day was not a complete loss. During my numerous interactions throughout the day with some of the least trusted people in America* I was able to take a few notes that may help you to understand car-sales-speak. So for your benefit, here's a short list of things that car salesmen like to say, and what they mean in plain English.

SalesSpeak: "Hi Skor, I'm James, nice to meet you."
Translation: "Hello money-carrier. I will soon relieve you of your heavy green load."

SalesSpeak: "I'm confident we have the right car for you."
Translation: "You come across as so weak-willed that I'll bet I can pass the crappiest car on the back lot off on you."

SalesSpeak: "Don't worry about the price."
Translation: "You should definitely be very worried about the price."

SalesSpeak: "We'll make the numbers work."
Translation: "We intend to soak you for as much as we possibly can. And then some."

SalesSpeak: (Just after a test drive.) "So what did you think of the car?"
Translation: "Why don't we just skip to the part where you give us your money?"

SalesSpeak: (As you leave without a car.) "Thanks for coming in today."
Translation: "Well, crap. I just wasted half an hour on that tightwad."

Feel free to print those out on a 3x5 card to bring with you the next time you're burdened with the task of finding a new set of wheels. They might come in handy.

*Unless you count atheists or politicians, that is. I guess the absolute least-trusted person in America must be some kind of atheist used-car salesman—who's also on the city council.

Categories: Capitalism

SayWA Updates & Help Request

2006-04-03T21:46:00.000-07:00

It's time for a few interesting tidbits relating to my recent SayWA post.

First, it would appear that someone with an official job of some kind in Olympia has been poking around various blogs trying to get a feel for the public's reaction to SayWA. On March 20th, someone with an IP address belonging to "State Of Washington" in Olympia happened upon the post by doing a Google blogsearch for SayWA. I imagine that upon reading my post the following conversation took place in some tourism office in Olympia:

Diane: "Hey Clark, come take a look at this. Some dude in Seattle is making fun of SayWA."
Clark: "Hmm. Well, you know what this means."
Diane: "Of course. I'll go sharpen the sheep shears."
Clark: "A good shearing would be an effective tool of embarrassment... but no. What this means is that we should send this blogger a SayWA promotional pack!"
Diane: "Oh, right. I guess with $442,000, we can afford to send more than a few of those."
Clark: "Right. Now if you'll excuse me I have to go fill out my "Saying SayWA" quota worksheet for the week."

Well, there may have been a conversation something like that, anyway...

Speaking of Google search results, as of this writing, my insightful and humorous post about SayWA is currently ranked #7 (or #8) on a Google search for SayWA. (Strangely, when the search is limited to blogs, the SayWA post drops to a shameful #26, but I digress.) #7 is pretty good, but I think that we can do better...

Notice that I said we just then. That's where the "help request" comes in. What I ask of you, my faithful readers, is that you post things on your various Internets with the word SayWA in them and the text linking to my earlier SayWA post. Much like I have been doing gratuitously throughout this entire post, only don't feel like you have to be quite so excessive.

So if you wouldn't mind, be a friend and SayWA a little SayWA in my direction. Let's see if we can't get my post up to at least #3, just after the official SayWA site.

SayWA, SayWA, SayWA.

Categories: News, Local

Sick, Twisted, & JPI

2006-03-30T07:38:00.000-08:00

Sick: Setting the alarm for 5:05 in the morning.

Twisted: Waking up automatically at 5:03 in the morning.

Just Plain Insane: Actually willingly getting out of bed and starting the day at 5:03 in the morning.

Uhngh.

Categories: Personal

Update: Commute Or DIE!

2006-03-28T10:43:00.000-08:00

As you may recall, I had recently been considering alternative means of transporting my body to and from my place of work. Even more recently, my decision was "helped along" thanks to some extenuating circumstances. Unfortunately elephants are not allowed on the local trails, so I had to go with my second-favorite plan: the electrically-assisted bicycle.

Here are a few things that I have learned in a week of riding an e-bicycle to work:

Despite what car-dwellers may think, being rained on while commuting does not result in instant and explosive death.
Sports clothes at REI are hecka expensive!
Just because you can attempt to take a turn at 20mph on the wet trail doesn't mean you should—unless you enjoy getting intimate with the blackberry bushes beside the trail. In that case, go ahead.
A few hundred extra dollars is totally worth it to be able to cruise past an extremely fit, expensively equipped, hardcore cyclist while barely pedaling at all.
Ducks and geese are not the brightest critters when it comes to getting the heck out of the way of a rapidly-approaching vehicle.
It's a good idea to figure out how to replace a flat tire before you get stranded halfway between home and work.
Yelling out your car window at a passing bicycle is apparently entertaining.

Also worth mentioning (though I wouldn't say I "learned" anything from it) is a particular lady that I have seen twice now on my way home. She's out for an afternoon walk with one hand pushing a stroller with her child, the dog walking alongside on a leash (tied to the stroller), and a cell phone in the other hand glued to her ear as she yaps away with who knows who. Good thing she's got that cell phone. Otherwise she'd be forced to actually spend time with her kid or enjoy the scenery or something. That would sure be tragic.

All in all, I have to say I'm quite happy to be free from the confines of the 4-wheeled steel cage. When the only traffic you have to deal with is ducks, geese, herons, and moms with strollers; life is good.

Categories: Personal

Jedi Mind Tricks

2006-03-24T18:00:00.000-08:00

Categories: Personal

Luck of the Irish or Something

2006-03-20T14:03:00.000-08:00

Enjoy this St. Patrick's Day sequence of events:

Put green "DOO-DAH" pin on fleece.
Go to work.
Do job.
Leave work.
Head to electric bicycle shop.
Lose control of car on freeway onramp, smash into right wall then left wall, totaling car.
Receive $153 traffic citation for "Speed too fast for conditions."
Hitch a $125 ride home with Marty the tow truck driver.
Inspect bicycle.
Discover broken speedometer/odometer computer.
Ride bicycle to spouse's place of employment for lunch.
Arrive at spouse's place of employment.
Hear hisssssssssssssss from rear tire.
Find hole in rear tire.
Remove sweaty fleece (with attached "DOO-DAH" pin).
Break totaled car news to spouse.
"Good news! I took care of the coolant leak in the car..."
Enjoy lunch with spouse.
Load bicycle with now-flat rear tire into truck.
Drive truck home.
Search Internet for automobiles.
Pick up spouse from work.
Stop at some used car dealers, look at cars.
Arrive home.
Cry self to sleep.

Most of the above sequence of events really happened to... someone last Friday, March 17th. Maybe not that last one though. In any case, at least the evidence is clear: the green "DOO-DAH" pin is cursed.

Categories: Personal

Commute Or DIE!

2006-03-16T11:06:00.000-08:00

Despite my inherently evil nature that tells me it is good to burn as much gasoline as possible and to take up the maximum amount of roadway whenever I travel anywhere, I have recently found myself exploring "alternative" options for my daily commute. This is probably the result of a non-stop action-packed... debate between a little evil dude (with flames for hair and polished black fingernails) on one shoulder and a logical thoughtful dude (with glasses and a white lab coat) on the other shoulder. Their conversations have been going something like this:

Logic-Dude: "Whose idea was it that the best way to transport a roughly 6-foot tall, 160-pound human was to put him into a 2,500-pound, 400ft³ steel cage? That's ridiculously inefficient and wasteful."
Evil-Dude: "Shut up you pansy, thinking is for losers."
L_D: "But don't you think it's silly to carry around that much empty space, just to sit motionless in traffic half the time anyway?"
E_D: "'Don't I think?' What did I just say about thinking? Just do what's fun and easy. Convenience is king, baby."
L_D: "Listen, right now to get to work we sit in that dumpy car for over an hour a day just to drive 30 miles round trip, at a cost of over $50 per month. If we got a scooter we could cut that cost well over 75%. Or if we rode a bicycle, we wouldn't have to buy gas at all, and we could take the trail, which would cut the distance to 25 miles round trip. Plus, the trail doesn't have any stops, so we would still spend almost the same amount of time as we do to drive. Aren't you tired of being a slave to traffic?"
E_D: "You're a moron."

As you can see, Logic-Dude has been winning the argument. Of course, if I relied on shoulder-men to make all of my life decisions for me, I would probably be declared unfit for service in the human race—which is why instead I'm asking for advice from the faceless Internet zombie clickers. Allow me to summarize each of my possible commuting options.

Car (current method)
Pros: Complete protection from "the elements," ability to listen to radio/CD, high top speed, sense of American Pride™, easier than thinking.
Cons: Subservient to oil-providing overlords (opOverlords), easy to get stuck in the middle of traffic with no hope of escape, low average speed to top speed ratio (ATR): 0.45, up to five minute walk from closest parking spot to work building, large overall expense.

Scooter/Moped (gas-powered)
Pros: versatile—able to get out of a jam easier, low fuel consumption (~100mpg), easy to find parking, fun to ride, higher ATR: 0.60, makes you look cool.
Cons: Low top speed (45mph), unable to use freeways, initial investment $2,000-$3,000, still subservient to opOverlords, no protection from the elements, no radio.

Scooter/Moped (electric-powered)
Pros: Freedom from opOverlords, warm fuzzy feeling in heart, that's about it.
Cons: Relatively low top speed (20-30mph), initial investment $1,500-$2,000, probably not legal on trails, wouldn't be able to jump a dozen busses, no protection from the elements, no radio.

Public Transit
Pros: Ability to do pretty much anything during the commute (read a book, play video games, sleep, whatever), $30/month subsidy from employer, and yeah that's pretty much it.
Cons: No direct route (baffling), daily cost higher than gasoline, round-trip time close to two hours (ridiculous), extra walking each way to/from bus stops, totally un-hip.

Elephant
Pros: Bigger than those stupid Hummer H2s, childhood fantasy fulfilled, freedom from opOverlords, ability to pimp out a sweet travel compartment on top, nobody messes with the elephant.
Cons: Solid byproduct difficult to dispose of, not the fastest method available.

Bicycle
Pros: Daily exercise, no recurring expenses, freedom from opOverlords, shorter route via trails, $30/month subsidy from employer, high ATR: ~0.95, low initial investment (~$1,000-$1,500), highly versatile (able to use roads or trails).
Cons: Daily exercise, low top speed, no protection from the elements, no radio.

Electrically-Assisted Bicycle
Pros: Exercise optional, very low recurring expenses, freedom from opOverlords, shorter route via trails, $30/month subsidy from employer, high ATR: ~0.95, low initial investment ($1,000-$1,500), highly versatile, easy to reach top bicycle speed of 20mph.
Cons: No protection from the elements, no radio.

Camel
Pros: Low fuel requirements, able to carry extra loads, spit in the eye of anyone who cuts me off.
Cons: Desert animal possibly not water-resistant, very low top speed, chafing.

Rickshaw
Pros: Ability to do pretty much anything during the commute, someone else gets daily exercise.
Cons: Difficult to find driver, possibly not legal on roads or trails.

Walking
Pros: Daily exercise, $30/month subsidy from employer.
Cons: Who am I kidding—as if I'm really going to walk 25 miles a day.

So what do you think? Should I listen to Evil-Dude and continue to go with what's easiest, or should I consider Logic-Dude's arguments and choose another method? And if I choose another, which one should I choose? Lastly, does anyone know where I can find some aerosol shoulder-dude repellant? Your feedback is welcome.

Categories: Personal

Jigga-WA?

2006-03-15T08:21:00.000-08:00

I heard on the radio on my way home yesterday that Washington State has a shiny new tourism slogan. Care to guess what it is? Let's play multiple choice:

Washington: You can have it all.
You too can be a Washington voter!
Explore Washington
Better bring your WAllet.
SayWA.

If you guessed "a", then you're sensible, but quite wrong. However, if you guessed "e", you're right!

Really there's not much to say about this one. The new slogan pretty much makes fun of itself. I "SayWA"aaht the heck was the state tourism bureau thinking?

The slogan, 18 months in development, is designed to promote Washington's numerous tourist attractions, from hiking in the Olympic Mountains to visiting wine country to wind-surfing in the Columbia River Gorge. A replacement for "Experience Washington," it was chosen with a lot of market research and the input of a 32-member "brand development task force," which included Chamber of Commerce directors, tourism officials and business representatives from around the state. Beginning this spring, a $442,000 campaign will put "SayWA" advertisments (sic) into travel magazines and television programs.

"SayWA is a distillation of the sense of wonder that comes with discovery," the tourism office's Web site suggests. "It describes the moment when an experience becomes emotional. Where the traveler is no longer an observer, but a participant. The SayWA moment."

One mock[-up] advertisement shows tourists taking pictures of the Columbia Gorge. "SayWA: This is the sound of jaws dropping."

It would seem that one thing the 32-member "task force" failed to consider during the year-and-a-half that they were dreaming up their new slogan was website availability. While the current address based on the old slogan is ExperienceWashington.com, it would appear that SayWA.com is already taken—by what I'm assuming is some kind of Japanese store (which is where the images in this post come from). Actually there is a strong case to be made that the "task force" wasn't thinking at all when they came up with this gem. Seriously... 32 people?!? 18 months?!? And now they're going to spend nearly half a million dollars to promote "SayWA."

Then again... maybe they're onto something. We could be ahead of the curve on this one. Maybe it will catch on with other states, and we can say that we were the first. Think about how it sounds with other states' postal abbreviations in there...

SayOR.
SayAZ.
SayAK!
SayMA.
SayMI.
SayID.
SayHI!
SayOK.

SayWA. Um... yeah, okay.

Update: Props to Matt at Sound Politics for locating the official SayWA site, a feat that I was unable to accomplish. Also worth mentioning is Stefan's brilliant slogan suggestion: "The state so nice, you'll vote for it twice!"

Source: KOMO News via KVI

image sourceCategories: News, Local

Super-Exclusive WASL Interview!

2006-03-13T19:26:00.000-08:00

Regular readers of this blog may have the impression that Skor has no hope for the "generation" of humans currently making their way through high school. Indeed there are many reasons to despair at today's high school students. In case you hadn't noticed, a good number of these students (all Washington State tenth graders, in fact) are taking the Washington Assessment of Student Learning (WASL) this week. Here are a few snippets from this week's coverage of the WASL:

KING 5 News
It's day one of the WASL, but parent Alton McDonald is already convinced his son's test scores won’t be good.

"My child is behind being African American, he is further behind, undereducated as compared to a suburban wealthy community," said McDonald.

Seattle Times
Tenth grader Robyn Dicks enjoys "WASL waffles" after taking the big test.
(Photo 3 of 10 in their "WASL testing begins today" slideshow)

Seattle P-I
"If you look at the 10th-grade test, it measures reading, writing and math achievement and the math, by international standards, is what students around the world are expected to learn in eighth grade," Frazer said. "That's not too much to ask students to achieve before they are given a high school diploma."

But Juanita Doyon, a past candidate for state superintendent of public instruction and leading WASL critic, wasn't appeased by the legislation.

"It still requires students to fail the WASL twice before they get alternatives," said Doyon, head of Mothers Against WASL. "You are demeaning students."

Doyon said her group is organizing a WASL protest march Monday in Olympia.

Wow. And I thought I had a pretty low level of faith in today's students. So just how bad is the situation in our schools, and is the WASL a force for evil or good? What better place to go for the answers to these questions than straight to the source? I had the privilege to speak with a definitely real and not fictitious high school sophomore today regarding the WASL. In part one of what I hope will be a three or four part interview series, Mr. Sophomore shared his impressions of the test after day one.

So how difficult is the WASL, really? Is it worth protesting? How brilliant must one be to pass? What does the WASL have to do with waffles? Some of these questions—and more!—are probably answered in the full interview below, which has been edited only for grammar and spelling.

View/Hide the full interview.

(17:20:57) Skor: So, how was the WASL, Mr. Sophomore?
(17:25:19) Mr.S: Irritating, yet easy—and satanic.
(17:25:45) Skor: What do you think of the "Mother's against the WASL" and their protest in Olympia today?
(17:25:52) Mr.S: Didn't hear about it.
(17:27:32) Skor: One of them said "Even very brilliant kids can perform poorly on the WASL." What do you think of that assessment?
(17:28:06) Mr.S: Uh, probably pretty true. Like, if they're the type who totally freezes on tests.
(17:28:37) Mr.S: Thankfully, my English teacher writes questions for the WASL, so all of our worksheets in English this year have been WASL style—good preparation.
(17:30:00) Skor: So far, what would you rate it [the WASL] in difficulty on a scale of 1-10, 1 being "easier than breathing" 10 being "Einstein himself would fail this test" and 5 being "an average student who paid attention in class and completed coursework (basically not a slacker) would be able to do reasonably well"?
(17:30:31) Mr.S: So far, 5.
(17:30:45) Skor: Which section(s) have you done so far?
(17:30:58) Mr.S: Reading
(17:33:21) Skor: Do you have anything else you would like to say about the test or [the process of] taking the test or your peer's reactions to the test after Day 1?
(17:34:36) Mr.S: Of the people I have spoken with, so far everyone has found the reading portion easy. We're just sort of annoyed because we don't like tests in general.
(17:34:48) Skor: Of course, who does?
(17:35:24) Skor: And would you say that "the people you have spoken with" represent a group of students with average, above average, or below average intelligence and work ethic?
(17:37:07) Mr.S: A good mix actually. A few of them are the kind of people who come across as lazy, some are average, some smart, and I haven't really talked with any idiots.
(17:37:20) Skor: Okay, cool. Do you know when you will find out your score? Do they even tell you a score, or is it just "pass/fail"?
(17:37:43) Mr.S: June. There is a sort of bar graph which shows a score and whether your score bar in each area hit, missed, or passed the "pass" line.
(17:38:37) Skor: Well that's all I have for right now. Thank you for your time Mr. Sophomore. I look forward to speaking to you in the future on this topic.

Hide the full interview.

Categories: News, Local, Culture

Skor's Favorite Posts

2006-03-10T16:06:00.000-08:00

See that little box over on the left side of the page with the words "Skor's Favorites" on the top? You may have noticed that the contents of that box haven't changed in quite a while. In fact, until today the most recent post featured in that box was from way back in March of last year—shameful. Like I said though... until today.

Yes, I have finally gotten around to updating the list of my favorite posts. You see, after that brutal limerick beating I took recently, I thought it would be good to remind myself of all the things that I have written that still make me laugh. So since I went to all that trouble I thought I'd (re)share those posts with you, too. Actually I'm even going to take it a step further and give you a glimpse of the greater process at work in selecting what goes in that box.

First, I re-read all my previous posts (only falling asleep a few times). Next, I came up with this list of posts that stood out as "possibly sidebar-worthy":

As you can clearly see, that's a pretty long list—thirty-four items. Definitely too long for the cool little sidebar. So I had to trim the list down. I arbitrarily decided that there should be 20 posts on the list. So, which fourteen posts would have to be cut? Here's an easier question... which posts definitely won't be cut? Here's the list of my absolute most favoritest posts (at the moment—list is subject to change at any time and for any reason, including but not limited to: plague of locusts, nuclear moon destruction, bad hair day, and night terrors):

Unfortunately this list is about fifteen posts too short. So using the incredible power of Science, I chose fifteen more posts to feature, and dropped these fourteen:

Wait, that's only twelve. Hmm. Okay I just couldn't bring myself to trim the list any smaller. So I turned my back on my principles and decided that the sidebar will contain twenty-two items. So sue me.

And that, dear reader, is how the newly updated "Skor's Favorites" came to be.

P.S. (Don't really sue me.)

Categories: Personal

Company Safety Guidelines

2006-03-10T15:13:00.000-08:00

I received a group email from a boss at work today urging members of the department to read the "[Company] Product Safety Guidelines." As I was reading through the guidelines, I came upon this morsel:

Be conscientious and diligent in meeting the product safety objectives of [Company].

That's right, one of the safety guidelines is essentially "follow the safety guidelines."

Genius!

And no, even though I reused the graphic (because I'm lazy like that) this is not even from the same Safety Committee responsible for the pain=safety policy. This gem comes from an entirely different [Company].

Company name has been omitted to protect the blogger.

Categories: Personal, Culture

Please Verify Your Account Information

2006-03-07T10:47:00.000-08:00

Many service companies offer a service by which internet-connected people such as myself can sign up to receive electronic copies of the monthly bill in lieu of a paper statement. One such company that I do business with is the local electric company, Puget Sound Energy. Years ago when I moved into my current abode, I signed up for their "e-bill" plan to pay for my electricity electronically. Why have them bother sending me paper every month when it is much more convenient for me to hop online and pay the bill on the internets? So, every month I receive an email that tells me how much I owe and provides me with a link to their website where I can log in and fork over the dough.

So far, so good—until this month, when the regularly scheduled email contained a link to a slightly different page. On the new page, I was prompted to log in using my user name and password, just like always, but when I clicked "submit," it brought me to a new page that demanded more information. Specifically, it required me to enter my name "as it appears on your bill" as well as my account number. Now, I'm sure this would be no problem for the uncivilized masses who still receive a paper bill in their CRAP-box every month, but I haven't had a tree-murder bill from them since I moved in. You might think that the monthly email I receive would contain this useful information, but of course if you thought that you would be WRONG, oh so wrong. The email contains no reference to my name, and doesn't even give me the dignity of a number, showing only the last four digits of my account number with the rest ****'d out. The only access I have to the actual bill where this information is available is on the website, which you may recall won't let me log in without providing this information! What a stellar design!

Thankfully, I was finally able to get into the website to send my money to PSE, but I had to use that archaic telephone contraption and speak to a real person to obtain the necessary information. I'd still like to have a word with whoever came up with the idea for this "verification" requirement, though. What's the risk that they're trying to prevent? Do they have a lot of problems with unauthorized people paying other people's electric bills? Also, why didn't they ask for something that I would actually know, like my address or home phone or something? Why would you pick the two pieces of information that are found only on the very item you're restricting access to?

The only reasonable answer I can come up with to these questions is that maybe the people that answer their phones were lonely or something.

Categories: Capitalism, Internet

Certain Shiny Surpluses

2006-03-06T08:08:00.000-08:00

One of my coworkers was looking for pity this morning, but only succeeded in proving that he has a pitiful surplus of both time and money:

"I had to go to like, four Apple stores to find it, because nobody had gotten their shipment yet."

He was referring to the Apple iPod Hi-Fi, a $350 sound-making brick for plugging one's $200-$500 iPod into. For a mere $850 and (like) four Apple store visits, my coworker was able to satisfy his craving for image-enhancing consumer electronics.

I think Apple could make even easier money if they set up a program where you could just send them money and they mail you a shiny white "certificate of spending." I'm fairly confident that a lot of people would pay for that, if it was shiny enough.

Categories: Personal, Internet

Appropriate to the Medium

2006-03-03T07:20:00.000-08:00

One mental exercise that I sometimes do is try to make meaningful patterns out of randomly-assigned license plates. Things like 368-ATX become three hundred and sixty-eight attacks! So when I see a custom plate, my brain jumps into gear and trys to interpret it as quickly as possible. Usually this is not an especially difficult task. Plates like SPEEDFRK, PLANTLVR, OUTATIME and NO PLATE all have fairly obvious meanings. But as I was driving through an undisclosed part of Seattle yesterday evening, I noticed a station wagon with a custom license plate that was not so forthcoming. It read:

L80CHWK

The process that my brain went through before I finally figured out its meaning (I think), was something like this:

8... Eight. L8... Ell-eight... "Late!" Like when people type C U L8R! Got it. Okay, zero CHWK... Um, "late zero chalk?" "Late oh-cee hawk?" "Late zero chicken-hawk?" Hmm, none of those seem very likely. Maybe the 80 is together. "Eighty." L80... Ell-eighty... "Lady!" Ah hah, okay that seems even more likely. Lady what? "Lady chicken-hawk?" "Lady chore work?" "Lady chew-kay?" Hmm. "Lady see aych double-you kay." "Lady see aych work." "Lady see hawk." "Lady Seahawk!"

Granted, that whole thought process only took like thirty seconds, but I think the point of custom plates is to get across one's custom message about twenty-nine seconds quicker. It's like having a sticker on your car that reads "I'm insecure in my beliefs so I assert them through witty bumper stickers." It's just not really appropriate to the medium, you know?

Categories: Culture

Update: DDR: Mario Mix - Skor Has THE POWER

2006-02-28T21:21:00.000-08:00

Nintendo lied to me. They said that they would ship me Dance Dance Revolution: Mario Mix in mid-March. Instead they shipped it yesterday (which was in February, for those of you who are calendarically challenged), and today (also in February) it is in my hands! Take that, eBay!

If anyone tries to tell me Nintendo isn't awesome (and by awesome I mean totally sweet), I'll kick them in the spleen.

So much for my real life.

Categories: Personal

New Rule

2006-02-27T12:27:00.000-08:00

New rule. No one is ever again allowed to make a rhyme using the word "poet" and the phrase "know it." Not in an attempt to be clever, not "by accident," not in casual conversation, not in emails, not on the radio, not in TV shows, and definitely not in advertisements. It isn't funny, it was never funny, and it's older than the great Oak of Hatherburg.

If you are caught making a rhyme using "poet" and "know it," the consequences will be severe and instant. Do you prefer your limbs in their mobile state? What about your hair, do you like it un-burned? Perhaps you enjoy having your chest 50,000 volts-free? If these are things that you value, just don't do it. If you ignore these warnings and do it anyway, you will get what's coming to you.

Thus decrees king Skor.

Categories: Personal

Receiving Sincere Help

2006-02-23T08:20:00.000-08:00

I called the IT department at my place of employment yesterday to let them know that my phone is broken and I'd like a new one. That is to say, the display on the phone is broken, not the phone's ability to make calls—otherwise how would I be calling IT? The friendly representative that I spoke with took down all my details and assured me that it would be assigned to "the phone guy" and taken care of as soon as possible.

Shortly after completing this conversation, I received an email from the IT department confirming my request. It looked a little something like this:

From: IT Help Desk
Sent: Wednesday, February 22, 2006 9:45 AM
To: Skor Grimm
Subject: I/T Request #2006-91904

This message has been sent to you as confirmation for a request that you initiated with the I/T department. Please review this request as described below and contact us immediately if any of the information is incorrect.
Request Placed On : 02/22/2006 at 9:41
Caller Name Is :    GRIMM, SKOR
Assign To Tech :    The Phone Guy
Current Status :    Logged
Your Call-back #:   Ext.9999
Reason for request: Phone works , but phone display doesn't display.
To view your request online with real time status updates use the link below:
https://www.internalcompanylink.com/IT/helpdesk.asp?helpme#2006-91904

You may also use the Company Intranet to track all your request.
To obtain a Company Intranet logon follow the process from the link below.
\\server\public\IT\Forms\TRACKING_FOR_DUMMIES.doc

Sincerely,
IT Help Desk
Ext. ____

It's certainly nice to have a confirmation that something is being done about my expressionless telephone, even if it is just a form letter. However, I do have to wonder, given that it is a form letter, how "sincere" can it really be? How do I know that the IT Help Desk is really truly sincere in their hearts? Maybe only the person who penned the original form letter was sincere. Maybe Microsoft Word made a sincere recommendation to insert "sincerely" at the end of the template. For that matter, what exactly are they being sincere about? It's hard to find any sentiment at all in that email, let alone sentiment that could be taken to be sincere. Do they sincerely wish me well? Do they sincerely want me to go away? Are they sincerely tired of dealing with pain-in-the-thyroid users like me? Who can say.

Whatever the real meaning of IT's form letter to me is, I sure hope that they replace my phone soon. It's a little creepy having a blank-display telephone sitting on my desk. It's like having a person with completely white eyes sitting next to me all day just staring at me. *shudder*

Categories: Personal

Mission Successful

2006-02-22T15:45:00.000-08:00

As anyone who has been compulsively refreshing this page can tell you, the average number of posts per week on this blog has recently dropped to a disgustingly low number. Although only a month ago posts were flowing steadily from Skor nearly every weekday, lately the flow has dried up and is more analogous to a leaky faucet than a steady stream. Long time readers of Skor Grimm may recall that there have been a number of such "dry spells" in the past, each one accompanied by a post such as this one full of half-baked excuses and outrageous explanations. This time, however, things are different.

This time the infrequent posting has a perfectly logical and reasonable explanation—one that there is no need to apologize for. You see, Skor has spent the past two weeks on assignment in Deutschland (that's Germany to you) collecting evidence for secret government agencies of a vast conspiracy against the Internet. While there is no danger in revealing the details of Skor's mission on this blog, they are unfortunately far too complicated for the layman to comprehend. It would be like trying to explain quantum mechanics to your dog. Which is not to say that you, the readers, are like unto dogs, but that Skor's latest quest is essentially unexplainable. Although honestly, some dogs are pretty smart, and wouldn't be all that bad to be compared to.

Since we're talking about talking to animals though, Skor would like to take a moment to let you know that there's no shame in conversing with critters. In fact, Skor does it all the time. Not just pets, either—wild animals too. For instance, just a few days ago there was a Northern Flicker twittering in a tree behind Skor's house. After the Flicker got done talking, a squirrel across the yard decided to answer. Unfortunately a crow came and chased away the Flicker, and the squirrel was left without a friend to talk to. The squirrel was rather agitated by this, so Skor decided to take the Flicker's place and give the squirrel a conversation partner. Sadly though, the squirrel turned out to be rather rude, and all he could do was insult Skor's shirt. Well, Skor doesn't have to take that kind of jibba jabba, so he just went back inside.

Here's your "take-home" points from this post:

Skor's mission to save the Internet obviously was successful.
Skor may or may not begin posting more frequently again.
It's okay to talk to animals.

Categories: Personal

Need to test something here.

2006-02-19T17:06:00.000-08:00

Okay I need to figure out if I can get this post-by-email thing working. I tried it with that last post and it just came out as a big nasty mess. Maybe it will work if I do it a little differently. Of course, since it's no fun for you to sit there and read about a boring blog test, I suppose that I should give you something worth reading.

All right, try this spontaneous limerick on for size:

In a blog that is written by Skor,
All the posts seem to be such a bore.
Will this guy ever stop,
Let the blog thing just drop?
Make it stop, make it stop, I implore!

Wow, that was pretty self-deprecating. If I wrote something like that about someone else, I'd probably get all kinds of nasty emails and dirty looks. In fact, let me go find a mirror real quick so I can give myself a dirty look.

...

Okay, I'm back. And now it's time for a list:

dog hair
GPS-enabled
canned pineapple
Northern Flicker
Idaho
chess
zesty

I hope you enjoyed this installment of "stupid blogger tests." Please join us again next time, which will hopefully be never.

Categories: Personal, Internet

Bathroom Ponderings

2006-02-16T07:09:00.000-08:00

Here's a bad way to start out a post...

So I was in the bathroom the other day when I laid eyes on one of those paper toilet seat cover dispensers. This particular one had the brand-name "Health Guard" proudly displayed on the side. That got me thinking... Is there some kind of serious danger from communicable diseases that are transmitted via butt-cheek? Furthermore, if there is such a danger, is a flimsy piece of paper really going to stop those germs?

I was under the impression that for bacteria and viruses to be of any real danger to us humans, they have to somehow get inside one's body. But even if the toilet seat is covered in dangerous germs capable of borrowing through the skin and into your bloodstream, wouldn't they be a bit too determined to be stopped cold by a piece of tissue paper?

Imagine a vast army of microbes, teeming about on the toilet seat—armed to the teeth and thirsty for blood (human blood). Picture the Orc armies from The Lord of the Rings trilogy, except that they're single-celled. A victim approaches. Euphoric, the bacteria begin foaming at their single-celled mouth-like openings and beating against one another in vicious anticipation. But alas, just before the unwitting fool enters the thirsty clutches of the germ forces, he reaches out and places down magic barrier! The army's immense weaponry is useless against the mystic forces of the ultra-thin tree-based obstruction. Dejected and defeated, they console themselves by throwing a party for Charlie, whose wife just today split her cell for the first time.

Yeah... I don't think so.

Categories: Personal, Sci/Tech

Unfair Traffic Laws

2006-02-12T21:29:00.000-08:00

One of my coworkers received a lovely gift a few days ago from the city police department—a certificate good for $101. Good for requiring my coworker to pay $101 to the city, that is. The infraction: failing to come to a stop at a stop sign.

When he shared the tale (with anyone who would listen), he expressed frustration that even though he almost stopped, he would have received the same penalty if he had just blown right through the stop. I think he's got a point here. There should be more kinds of citations for this type of thing than just "failure to come to a complete stop." There ought to be "failure to come to more than an almost-complete stop," and "failure to slow down very much," and "failure to slow down at all."

That would be a much more equitable system, don't you think?

Categories: Personal

Orientation Videos

2006-02-09T20:55:00.000-08:00

No, I'm not talking about Lost... and don't talk to me about last night's episode, because I haven't seen it yet. What I am talking about is starting a new job. It can be an interesting and busy time (and might be related to the shortage of posts here this week—maybe). Starting a new job can also be an amusing time. Like when you get to sit through an entire day of orientation, including multiple videos telling you all about how bad it is to harass anybody and how good it is to be safe. If I had sat through some videos like that this week, I imagine that they would have been a little like what I'm about to describe. I'll be sure to use lots of italics to try to get across just how dramatic these videos might be—you know, if I had seen them.

Anti-Harrassment Video

Picture some kind of office or library. Now picture someone semi-professional-looking sitting in a chair facing not-quite at the camera and telling you about how bad, bad, bad harassment is, and how many many forms it can take. Next, imagine some people (I am quite purposefully not calling them "actors") "acting" out a scenario of a situation involving harassment (which is pretty bad, by the way). Except, these people aren't really acting in any sense of the word that I'm familiar with. It appears that they were each filmed separately against a green screen as they stared off blankly into space, dryly reciting their lines. Next the background was turned pitch black, and a composite image was created of two to four of them spread evenly about the screen and supposedly engaging in conversation. If there were a word for that, I would have used it, but I certainly wouldn't call it "acting."

The basic format of this video was for some scenario to be portrayed in this way, followed by the question "Is [insert name here] being harassed?" Then the side-lookers in the chairs would talk about harassment for five minutes, and then the scenario would "rewind" and the victim of harassment would boldly confront their oppressor. My favorite scenario was when the boss was playing "the slave game" and declared that it was Margaret's week to be "the slave." Oh by the way, Margaret is black. That's a pretty realistic scenario that I'm likely to encounter in the workplace.

One memorable quote from the video was "we must all hang together, or we will surely all hang separately." I guess it's probably memorable because it's already a famous quote. How it relates to harassment I'm still not sure. Here's one that was unique to the video though: "Any time you talk about a race, you're hurting somebody." That's right—any time. Like earlier in the day when I was asked to fill out some government form that asked for my "ethnicity." That hurt somebody... somewhere. The topper though was this head-scratcher: "Double jeopardy may work fine as a game show, but it has no place at work." I'm not making it up, that's a direct quote.

Safety Video

Time to use your imagination again! This time, imagine a safety video based entirely on... a poem! Oh yes, you did read that right. Nearly every line in the entire video (including the title) is lifted (with permission) straight from a cheesy poem about workplace safety called It's Up To Me.

The video starts off just like the poem, with the lines:

I want a workplace, that's Injury Free
And if that's going to happen, then it's up to me.

With the wonderful medium of video, there's an added dimension that's just not possible in the written word—the dramatic zoom-in—and boy do these video-makers enjoy using it. With the winning combination of rhyming lines and dramtic zoom-in, what more could you ask for in a safety video? I mean, I'm still walking around the production floor saying to myself:

When I walk through the workplace, I must stay alert
To watch for those things, that could get people hurt.

To be honest though, the most compelling safety video that I've feasted my eyes on was not based on a poem, and wasn't even in English. Do yourself a favor (especially if you had the misfortune to read the entire poem) and go check out Stapler Fahrer Klaus (Forklift Driver Klaus). It'll help clear your memory of the description of these barely tolerable orientation videos.

Categories: Personal, Culture

12th Man

2006-02-05T19:34:00.000-08:00

I wonder, would it violate Texas A&M's precious trademark if I referred to the referees as the Steelers' 12th man?

You know, just wondering.

Bleh.

At least we got a funny FedEx commercial out of it.

Update: I'm not bitter about this or dwelling on it unendingly like some people, but I saw two things today that I had to share. Here's an impartial article I thought was pretty good, and here's a picture someone sent that goes well with my post.

image sourceCategories: Personal

Disposing of Unwanted Items

2006-02-04T16:29:00.002-08:00

Here are some things that are not okay to dispose of by tossing them off your apartment deck. (Despite what my neighbors think.)

empty soda cans
plastic water bottles
glass drink bottles
potted plants (still in the pot)
light bulbs
styrofoam chinese food containers
cereal bowl
KitchenAid^® stand mixer (with accessories)
action figure
area rugs
towel
empty tuna can
metal exterior car panel
television cable
deflated basketball
Christmas trees
satellite dish
rubber ducky

There's an amazing invention that somebody came up with for collecting one's unwanted items for disposal. It's called a trash can. Maybe you have one.

image sourceCategories: Personal

Sweet Sweet Video Games

2006-02-02T18:44:00.000-08:00

Speaking of video games, it's a wonder I have time to blog at all anymore, with how much I've gotten back in the habit of playing them. Between The Legend of Zelda (yes, the original—on my GameCube), Pikmin 2, and Starcraft it's actually amazing that I have time to do anything—eat, sleep, work, breath, etc. And it's only going to get worse once I get my hands on that sweet sweet Dance Dance action. Oh and did I mention that I'll almost certainly be buying one of those new Nintendo DS Lites when they come out? Yeah.

I know it's been said before, but it still frightens me to think what will happen to society when video games finally become the fully immersive, photo-realistic experience that game developers strive toward daily. Think about it. When it is possible, from the comfort of your own home, to put on a (lightweight) helmet and some gloves and basically be transported to another reality—a fun reality—what possible motivation would there be to ever stop playing? There wouldn't be any. This would be especially true if the suit came with a special set of pants too, if you know what I mean.

As much as it pains me to say it, this truth probably means that for the safety of humanity, such immersive photo-realistic games should probably never be developed. Of course, that won't stop the game companies from making and selling such things, as long as there's a buck to be made. If they do come about, and if they're cheap enough for your "average Joe" to buy one, we will surely see the end of society as we know it.

Probably at that point only a robotic Italian plumber from the future would be able to save us from our self-induced techno-stupor.

Categories: Personal, Sci/Tech

Update: Dance Dance Revolution: Mario Mix

2006-02-01T19:55:00.000-08:00

Good news everyone!

As you may recall, I have been having a rather difficult time locating a copy of Dance Dance Revolution: Mario Mix for my GameCube for anything remotely resembling retail price. Well, thanks to our benevolent Mario Masters at Nintendo, my Dance Dance dreams are finally about to come true. I received the following in an email from Nintendo just hours ago:

Hello!

You had recently contacted us regarding not being able to find a copy of Dance Dance Revolution: Mario Mix for the Nintendo GameCube. We have some good news about the upcoming availability of this product. Please call us at 1-800-[censored] and we'll be able to tell you more. Once the messaging begins, you can press 0 to be immediately routed to one of our Consumer Service Representatives.

Please do not reply to this e-mail as it is being sent from an unmonitored mail box.

Sincerely,

Nintendo of America Inc.

Consumer Service Department

When I called the number provided in the email, I was told by a service representative that new copies of sweet Dance Dance Mario Mix action would be re-arriving on store shelves in the USA sometime in mid-April. As if that weren't good enough news to my ears, he continued his tale and told me that 2,000 copies would be sent to Nintendo corporate headquarters (in Redmond). He went on to explain that I could reserve one of these copies for the regular retail price plus tax, and they will ship it to me (for free) in mid-March.

Well of course I leapt up off the couch, ran out into the pouring rain, jumped up and down and shouted for joy. Then I happily provided him with my payment information and address. And so it is that finally, in a little more than a month from now, I will be dancing my heart out with Mario.

I kiss you, Nintendo.

P.S. - I censored the number so that only people who really want to reserve a copy of DDR: Mario Mix will be calling Nintendo with their pleas. If you want to find out the number, there are ways.

Categories: Personal, Capitalism

Commence Seahawk Overload

2006-02-01T11:07:00.000-08:00

I'm just as excited as the next guy about the Seahawks finally making it to the Super Bowl, but I think things have gotten a bit ridiculous around here lately. You would think that with two full weeks between the last round of the playoffs and the big game, people would run out of things to talk about. Of course, you would be wrong, wrong, wrong. It is true that gabbing on about match ups this, defense that, and offense the other can only take you so far, but in this final stretch before the Super Bowl the local media has taken things to a whole new level.

Behold today's front page of Seattle's largest newspaper's website:

Take a gander at the thrilling and important news stories that are important enough to be gathered together in this box the top of the front page. Allow me to summarize:

The date and time of the game, just in case you didn't know. Because maybe you've been asleep for the last two weeks. Or maybe you just now finally got that life-sucking alien un-stuck from your head.
A digital clock counting down the seconds until the game. Be sure to keep it open from now until kickoff.
A story about the one Seahawk player that speaks French, and how special that is.
Three blog links, including one in which the "reporter" recalls a conversation with a toll-booth operator—thrilling!
The startling revelation that there is no such bird as a "seahawk." What's next, will we discover that there is also no such thing as a Titan, neither in Tennessee nor anywhere else?
Coverage of the suit that a Texas school has brought in order to protect their ego.
Something about the sex industry—in Canada. Because that has so much to do with the Seattle Seahawks playing in the Super Bowl.
Various links highlighting the "response" of readers to the upcoming game. Seems like a bit of a temporal disconnect there.
And of course, let us not forget the biggest headline in the box, which highlights the media circus. How appropriate.

Wow. What a thrilling and important bunch of stories. So relevant and unique. Unlike any of the coverage that can be found from other local outlets—wait, no. And we are sure to see even more exciting "news" of this nature in the coming four days, five hours, four minutes, and thirty-two seconds! Thirty-one, thirty, twenty-nine...

Of course, by taking this space to mock the growing insanity surrounding our team's upcoming performance, I have now become a part of it. How deliciously ironic, no?

Categories: News, Culture

"We will do anything to eat the way we eat."

2006-01-30T13:46:00.000-08:00

An article that was reprinted from a Longview newspaper in today's Seattle Times caught my attention this morning. Actually "grabbed my attention" might be a more accurate phrase. Maybe even "grabbed my attention, threw it on the pavement, and kicked it a few times—just for fun." But I digress. The unnecessarily violent news story in question is one on the topic of a junk food ban at a school district in Longview, Washington.

Here is an inordinate number of relevant quotes from the article:

Get to class on time? Or grab a Pepsi to quench a caffeine craving?

For Thomas Chavez, a junior at Mark Morris High School, the choice has been a tough one this year.

To get his caffeine fix, the 17-year-old frequently heads off-campus, to gas stations and stores across the street from the high school.

"I do it all the time, when I have money," Chavez said. The trips sometimes make him slide into his seat after the bell. And in extreme circumstances, he even has ditched class.
...
...students say they've found ways around the ban [on soft drinks and sugary foods], by browsing local convenience stores for soda and candy, heading home for a treat or bringing their own snacks.

"It's really pointless because you just go somewhere else and be unhealthy," said Tia Oliver, a 17-year-old Mark Morris senior.
...
"There are so many places around here," said Katie Cain, a 16-year-old Mark Morris sophomore. "Some people are late to school because they go to Starbucks."
...
"It's ridiculous. All the school is doing is losing money," said Amber Buckee, a 16-year-old Mark Morris junior. "All the kids do is take time out of our day and go over to the gas station and get the same stuff."

Last school year, Amber Corona bought a soda nearly every day at school. This year is a different story.

"You're always thirsty, and all you can have is water now," the 16-year-old Mark Morris sophomore complained.
...
"We will actually do anything to eat the way we eat," said Lee Dowd, an 18-year-old Mark Morris senior. "We will walk for it. We will drive for it. We will pay extra for it."

I guess this would be a lot funnier if all those quotes from high school students were made up. But these really are the kids that are being raised in America today. What wonderful values we are instilling in the generation that is poised to lead this country into the future. When Starbucks takes priority over going to class, is anyone truly surprised at the very real possibility that 40% (or more) of high school students will likely fail the WASL?

Yet again I find myself wondering: how do I get these stupid people to give me their money? For once it seems like I might be onto an answer to that question: offer them fast, affordable, and tasty food (which may or may not be absolutely awful for their health).

Source: Seattle Times

Categories: News, Local, Culture

Measuring Blogging Success

2006-01-27T15:15:00.000-08:00

Okay I'm really not a big fan of giving fools more attention than they deserve, and in most cases they deserve no attention at all, but I read something the other day that I just couldn't help laughing at, and I thought would be worth sharing here. There's a certain local blogger with an equestrian anatomy-inspired name and an unabashed liberal/left perspective who it is infrequently my misfortune to read the lunatic rants of. In one such recent rant, he proclaimed the following:

I'm pretty open about the fact that I view my success as a blogger mostly in terms of how well I influence the mainstream media. My goal is to inform, inspire, cajole, even manipulate my friends in the press corps. Nothing wrong with that. That's what PR is all about.

Take a moment to consider what he's saying here. As a liberal/leftist blogger in one of the most liberal/leftist cities in the country, he defines his success in terms of "influencing" the liberal/leftist mainstream media. Leave aside for a moment the intentionally vague term "influence." I just have to say—wow, that's setting the bar pretty high (sarcasm). Actually, it is rather like a first grader declaring that his goal is to get his classmates to make potty jokes and fart noises. Not a very difficult goal when the group in question is not only predisposed—but actively searching for any excuse—to push the agenda that you purport to be influencing them toward.

Now lets get back to that term: influence. How delightfully un-measurable! For example, if I hypothetically blogged about something, and then hypothetically a local reporter wrote about it in the newspaper a few days later, well golly-gee—look how I influenced the mainstream media! Influence can basically be used as a synonym of predict, and I look like a great and powerful blogger extraordinaire! Super keen!

So, let's recap Mr. equestrian anatomy's lesson on achieving success. Rule 1 - Set a goal that is likely to take place regardless of your participation. Rule 2 - Make sure your definition of success is un-measurable and vague. Applying those rules, a good statement relating to the success of my blog would go something like this:

I view my success as a blogger in terms of how often good-natured people in my area are found smiling.

There we go. That sounds like a pretty good measure of success to me.

Categories: Local, Politics, Internet

Dreaming of the Future

2006-01-26T15:12:00.000-08:00

So I had a dream last night in which I somehow traveled seven years into the future. Actually it was sort of like I just jumped straight to that time, because my friends were wondering where I had been all this time. If I were cool I probably would have made up some awesome story about space aliens and/or the unknown supernatural properties of mangos, but as it was I had no explanation for them. I was just very confused.

It was pretty cool though, the future was. There were plastic flowers that actually drank water and grew, and some kinda... cars. In the world of video games, the entire next round of systems (after the XBox 360, PS3, and Nintendo Revolution) had come out, and the Nintendo system had this small thing that clipped onto your head and basically let you enter a virtual reality type thing for playing video games. Other than that stuff and some sports updates, things were pretty much the same as they are now.

Isn't that always the way, though? Whenever anybody tries to look into the future, they always like to see all these fanciful advancements and all of humanity living in a radically different society. In reality however, the future comes around and it looks an awful lot like the past, but with slightly better eye candy.

Take flying cars, for instance. We've been looking forward to a future with flying cars since practically forever ago, even before the land-locked automobile was even invented. Sure, we got airplanes out of the deal, and they're pretty cool and all, but dang it, where are the flying cars? Actually I've got a theory on that, but it's not very funny, so maybe I'll share it later.

I guess what I'm trying to say is that in a lot of ways, I prefer the future of my dreams to the real future. The biggest downside is that the future of my dreams always seems to evaporate into a fog in my head within a half hour of waking up. Someone should do something about that.

image sourceCategories: Personal, Culture

Have a doughnut—an INTERNET doughnut.

2006-01-24T10:34:00.000-08:00

I've got an analogy for you. Hear me out on this one, okay? Okay.

Being on the Internet is something like having a cheese doughnut. It's unlike anything else you've ever seen, and yet in a way it is both familiar and intriguing. Maybe you got the cheese doughnut from a friend, and maybe you share it with your friends—there are lots of things you can do with the cheese doughnut. Of course, there are as many ways of reacting to the cheese doughnut as there are people that receive it.

The cheese doughnut makes some people uncomfortable, because it is so unlike anything else they've dealt with, so they make a bunch of rules for their cheese doughnut in some sort of attempt to control who can look at it and what they can say about it. They like their cheese doughnut to be safe from being used in any way that they're not used to. The cheese doughnut is all right, but it's nothing really all that more special than cheese or doughnuts by themselves.

Other people look at the cheese doughnut and see opportunity—opportunity to do all kinds of new and interesting things that just aren't possible with cheese or doughnuts by themselves. They anxiously share the doughnut with anyone and everyone that they can, and they enjoy all the new and different things that can be done with a cheese doughnut.

Of course there are also those that get overenthusiastic about the cheese doughnut, and proclaim that it is ushering in a new dawn for mankind or some such rot. They take the cheese doughnut to irrational extremes, applying everything in their life to the new and amazing advancement of the cheese doughnut.

And don't forget the people that sit around making up stupid analogies about the cheese doughnut, because they are utterly incapable of just enjoying the cheese doughnut for what it is, with all its ups and downs. Not only that, they can't seem to find a language to talk about the cheese doughnut directly, which is why they only make their important points about the cheese doughnut using inane analogies.

Like I said, being on the Internet is like having a cheese doughnut. I'm pretty sure there was a point to this post, I just don't remember what it was.

image sourceCategories: Internet

Money Priorities

2006-01-22T20:33:00.000-08:00

I don't know about you, but if I was the seventh richest man on the face of the planet, I think I'd be willing to splurge and spend a few bucks on teeth whitening now and then. I'm just sayin'.

Roll the mouse pointer over the image.

In related news, let's hear it for the Seahawks! Because even if you don't really care much about American football, and you hardly ever watch it during the regular season, when your city's team makes it to the Super Bowl you can suddenly become huge fan, and no one will be the wiser! Trust me on this one, I'm speaking from first hand experience.

Categories: News

Project CRAP: Conclusion

2006-01-17T18:00:00.001-08:00

Click here for the explanation of Project CRAP
Final Statistics
Total Weight of CRAP: 43.00 lbs (19.5 kg)
Average Weight of CRAP: 0.83 lbs (0.38 kg) per week
Total Volume of CRAP: 1.48 ft³ (.042 m³)
Total Pieces of CRAP: 648
Average Pieces of CRAP: 12 per week
LowLight of the Year: Due to popular request, Skor has chosen a LowLight of the Year. This proved to be quite a difficult task. Choosing the lowest of the LowLights presented Skor with a formidable challenge. With such gems as the freaky no-face figurines, DOUBLE POWER Internet, fake checks, overactive overactive bladder notifications, grand prize winnings, end-clause parades, a millionaire conference, and the endless FREE, FREE, FREE, FREE, FREE, FREE offers—all in an array of blinding colors—it was quite a challenge for any one CRAP to stand out from the crowd. However, one CRAP-sender was willing to go above and beyond the call of duty in order to cement the keen memory of her CRAP in Skor's memory. Yes, I'm talking about our good friend M____ H_______ of Week 20 fame. The CRAP that she was responsible for mailing was by itself only memorable enough to be LowLight of the Week, but the follow-up series of emails that Skor received less than two weeks later were enough to earn Ms. H_______'s mailing the coveted title of LowLight of the Year.

View/Hide the full LowLight of the Year story.

In honor of this award, Skor would like to take some time to summarize the saga of M____ H_____'s CRAP, and share some new insights into what happened. As you recall, Skor posted the Project CRAP: Week 20 Report on May 24th, 2005, featuring the usual scan of the week's LowLight, and a scant seventy-five words of commentary. The LowLight happened to be a postcard sent by a real estate agent named M____ H_______. So far so normal. On June 4th, however, things took a turn for the bizarre when M____ H_______ sent Skor an email. In it she claimed that Skor was "so upset that you had to make fun of a hardworking, single mom" and that she was "treated like some lowlife." She also insisted that "it's one think to take a crack at the big corporations like Bed, Bath and Beyond, but it's another thing to go after one small person who is just trying to make a living." In closing, she requested "could you please remove my postcard and my name from your website. Thank you." In a response on June 6th, Skor assured Ms. H_______ that "The LowLight of the Week 'award' is not intended to disparage or tear down the businesses whose junk mail is featured, but to highlight the silliness of the mailings themselves." Skor closed with: "I wish you the best in your business and personal ventures, but I am going to have to decline your request to remove your mailing from Project CRAP."

View/Hide Skor's first email to M____ H_______.
Dear Ms. H_______,

I am sorry that you took my comments in the week 20 Project CRAP report to be some sort of personal attack on your character or your business. They were by no means meant as such. As stated on the introductory page, the purpose of Project CRAP is to document, measure, and comment on any and all Commercially Related Advertising Post (junk mail) that arrives in my mailbox through the course of 2005. Project CRAP does not discriminate, and even companies that I regularly patronize have had their mailings featured as a LowLight. The LowLight of the Week "award" is not intended to disparage or tear down the businesses whose junk mail is featured, but to highlight the silliness of the mailings themselves.

While I understand that junk mail is fully legal and a common part of doing business in the modern day, nonetheless I find it to be wasteful and at times aggravating. The reason for doing this project is to highlight the extreme cumulative waste generated by junk mail, as well as highlight the silliness of it, in that it does not convince me to buy the products or services being advertised.

The bottom line is that your postcard appeared in my mailbox unsolicited, and advertised a product or service. Therefore it falls under this project's definition of CRAP. In addition, your postcard stood out the most of all the pieces of CRAP that arrived that week, and was therefore featured. Nothing disparaging was said in the post about your character as a person, or your business in general, but rather the comments were about the mailing in particular.

I wish you the best in your business and personal ventures, but I am going to have to decline your request to remove your mailing from Project CRAP.

Yours truly,
Skor Grimm
Hide Skor's first email to M____ H_______.

In spite of Skor's clarity and general friendliness, Ms. H_______ was not at all satisfied. Mere hours later Ms. H_______'s reply arrived, in which she insisted that she was "NOT a company," and therefore somehow exempt from being featured in Project CRAP. She continued to accuse Skor of making "disparaging and just plain mean remarks" and making an "attack on my character." She did yield some ground, though: "I've looked over the other advertisements in your "CRAP" section and I only see business names. There are NO other personal names mentioned. So fine, keep my mailing on your website, but PLEASE remove my name, picture and other personal information." Again, Skor replied in a cordial manner, telling Ms. H_______ "I am sorry that you feel you are under some sort of personal attack by my posting." Skor also explained that "Since you are doing business under your personal name, it makes sense that I would refer to your name, rather than a business name." But Skor yielded some ground as well: "I have removed references to your full name, as well as blurred your picture." Skor even extended an invitation: "You are also welcome to write a full rebuttal to my post, which I am willing to post unedited in its entirety."

View/Hide Skor's second email to M____ H_______.
Ms. H_______,

Again, I am sorry that you feel you are under some sort of personal attack by my posting. I am sure that you are a hard-working business person, doing your best to make an honest living. The manner in which you created the mailing you sent out is not important to me, nor was it commented on in my post. Additionally, the amount of money you are or are not making is also not important to me, nor was it commented on in my post. Though my comments were indeed sarcastic (as are most of the posts I make on my blog), they were in no way disparaging toward you or your livelihood, but rather silly remarks about the postcard that I received.

With regard to your comments about the other CRAP posts referring only to business names and not personal names, this is due to the fact that the vast majority of junk mail I receive is from businesses that do business under a formal business name. Since you are doing business under your personal name, it makes sense that I would refer to your name, rather than a business name.

In spite of these facts, and though I am fully within my rights to post and comment on anything and everything that arrives in my mailbox unsolicited, I have removed references to your full name, as well as blurred your picture. You are also welcome to write a full rebuttal to my post, which I am willing to post unedited in its entirety. Again, the purpose of Project CRAP is not to disparage companies or individuals that are participating in our capitalist society, but to highlight what I feel is a silly method of advertising. I am sorry that you feel this is a hateful thing to do.

Yours truly,
Skor Grimm
Hide Skor's second email to M____ H_______.

Unfortunately, Ms. H_______ did not take Skor up on his unprecedented offer, but rather inexplicably chose to become even more upset. A mere hour later she complained: "My name still comes as a LowLight on your website when it's typed into Google. Please find a way to get rid of this." She also threatened: "My daughter, who is studying law down at the University, has convinced me to call a lawyer regarding this. I was told that you are causing me "mental anguish", which you DO NOT have the right to do, and I would have the right to sue for damages." And then she reverted to her original demands: "Please remove all references that even LOOK like it could be me. Or just take the card and the nasty remarks off of there." Demonstrating incredible patience, Skor amicably replied yet again: "I am sorry that my post has brought you so much grief, as that was never what it was intended to do." He also explained how search engines work: "Google maintains their index of websites, and it is automatically updated on their schedule." And although in his third email Skor insisted "I am afraid I must draw the line," he gave it some more thought and sent a fourth email explaining that "I have decided to demonstrate that I am not out to get you, nor do I harbor any ill will toward you, and have gone one step further in my censorship of your postcard in my report."

View/Hide Skor's third email to M____ H_______.
Ms. H_______,

I am sorry that my post has brought you so much grief, as that was never what it was intended to do. I am saddened to hear that in spite of my efforts to work with you toward a reasonable solution, you are still upset with me. What you are referring to now, with regards to the Google search is something that is outside of my control. Google maintains their index of websites, and it is automatically updated on their schedule. What this means is that the next time their index automatically updates (on average once a month), the change that I have made to my page will be reflected. Again, I have no control over this, but it will automatically be changed in the manner you desire in a short time.

With respect to your continued insistence that I remove all reference to your junk mailing from my site, I am afraid I must draw the line. Once Google updates their index, there will be no public link between your name and my site, and the only way that anyone will find it is if they are browsing through my Project CRAP reports, or the general history on my blog. Even then the only way that they would be able to tell that you are the source of the mailing would be if they already know you. I feel that this is a completely reasonable compromise, and that I am 100% within my legal and moral right to leave it as such.

I offer you my sincere best wishes, and I hope that you are able to see that I am being reasonable and fair, rather than nasty and hateful.

Yours truly,
Skor Grimm
Hide Skor's third email to M____ H_______.

View/Hide Skor's fourth email to M____ H_______.
Ms. H_______,

Upon further consideration, I have decided to demonstrate that I am not out to get you, nor do I harbor any ill will toward you, and have gone one step further in my censorship of your postcard in my report. I still believe that I am 100% within my legal and moral right to have left it the way it originally was, but I am doing this as a gesture of good will. I sincerely hope that this is satisfactory to you.

Yours truly,
Skor Grimm
Hide Skor's fourth email to M____ H_______.

Apparently that last email did the trick, because Skor didn't hear from M____ again until she wished him a happy 4th of July in the form of an e-card. So at least this story has a happy ending. But considering that no other piece of CRAP in all of 2005 even has a story, the choice for LowLight of the Year was clear.

Hide the full LowLight of the Year story.

Click for a larger version of the big 2005 winner.
Comments: Well, Project CRAP has finally come to a conclusion... or has it? If you recall the Week 36 report, you may remember that Skor pointed out a "do not mail" and a "do not pre-approve" list, and indicated his intent to sign up on both of those at the year's end. Well, 2005 is over, and Skor has indeed signed up on both of those lists, thus creating Project Anti-CRAP. The "do not mail" list requires you to either pay $5 of protection money to sign up online, or send your request for free by postal mail. Both lists claim that signing up will not actually take effect until thirty to ninety days later. In order to measure the performance of these two lists, Skor will continue to measure how much CRAP he receives each week and add it to the master spreadsheet. Skor has created the graph below, "Pounds of CRAP per Week," on which the dark blue line is the actual pounds of CRAP received each week, and the dashed orange line is a super-mathematical curve representing a sort of smoothed average. Hopefully the new lines representing the CRAP of 2006 will show up much lower on the graph. Expect updates once per quarter on the progress of Project Anti-CRAP.

Pounds of CRAP per Week. (Click to view full-sized.)
Conclusions: One year ago, Skor set out to discover how much CRAP he would receive in 365 days. Now, thanks to Project CRAP, Skor and all his readers finally have the answer to that question, and also a lovely slideshow that shows a box filling with CRAP. If every household in America gets as much CRAP as Skor does each year, then a minimum of 4.56 billion pounds of CRAP are received each year, occupying a volume of 156.88 million cubic feet, enough to completely fill the ill-fated Kingdome two and a third times. Skor hopes that you recycle. After meticulously collecting and cataloging all of his CRAP for twelve months, Skor is now the proud owner of a forty-three pound box of CRAP. Maybe he will sell it on eBay.

365 Days of CRAP

(Slideshow performance will be affected by your connection speed.
As in it will load very slowly on dial-up. After it runs through once it should be okay.)

Categories: Features

Seriously.

2006-01-17T17:49:00.000-08:00

You want to hear something serious? Well too bad! That's not how things operate around here. Well, not usually anyway. Sometimes—very rarely, mind you—I break out a serious post, but usually when I sit down to try to write that sort of thing I just come up dry. To use a deep-sounding metaphor: I find it much easier to dip into the wellspring of sarcasm, laughter, and wit than to take a swim in the ocean of sobriety.

For rare occasions that I do venture out into the realm of the non-humorous, I have created a special Section. I am calling it: Serious. Pretty wild name, I know.

I even did the extra work to go back and add in the few posts in the past that fit into the "Serious" category, so it wouldn't start all empty and lonely. So if you're reading this and you're in the mood for something serious, check it out. But don't stay serious for too long. It's hazardous to your heath.

image sourceCategories: Serious

Project CRAP: Week 52 Report

2006-01-16T10:18:00.000-08:00

Click here for the explanation of Project CRAP
Box size: 15" wide by 11" tall by 14 1/2" deep.
Total Weight of CRAP: 43.00 lbs
Depth of CRAP: 15.5"
New Pieces of CRAP: 8
Total Pieces of CRAP: 648
LowLight of the Week: What a fitting LowLight to wrap up Project CRAP with. Party City is apparently your headquarters for absolutely tacky "party" merchandise, ranging from ridiculous hats and atrocious "glasses" to repulsive disposable dinnerware. Although the pickings this last week of Project CRAP were slim, Party City was the clear winner of the last of the coveted LowLight awards. Congratulations Party City. Maybe someone will throw you a party for the occasion. Tee-hee.

Click for a larger version of this week's winner.
Comments: Well, that's it. Project CRAP goes out not with a bang, but a whimper—netting a mere 0.38 pounds of CRAP in the week following the big unnamed holiday. The grand total of CRAP comes in at darn near exactly 43 pounds. Presented below is the cumulative CRAP graph, as is the custom for Skor to post at the end of each quarter. Tune in tomorrow on the one-year anniversary of the Project CRAP kickoff for the grand conclusion post of Project CRAP, which will include animated magic box-filling, a new graph, and a look into the future.

CRAP, by the numbers. (Click to view full-sized.)

Categories: Features

Save Our Bluths

2006-01-12T10:16:00.000-08:00

I'd like to take a break from the usual philanthropic, selfless, and reflective nature of this blog to post about something that is purely selfish. So, that's what I'm going to do. Allow me to give you a little bit of background. In general, I find television to be a giant waste of time. Most shows out there are just plain stupid, and some go so far as to actually insult my intelligence (like the laugh track—what's the deal with that?). There are currently a grand total of three shows that I watch on TV:

Three shows, that's it. "Malcolm" and "Arrested" are just plain funny, while Lost is intriguing and mysterious, and all three shows are delightfully unpredictable. There's just one problem. One of my three shows is likely to be cancelled after the current season. Fox television is this close (I'm holding my index finger and my thumb really close together) to calling it quits for Arrested Development, which brings me to the selfish nature of this post.

You see, I really like Arrested Development, and it would make me sad if it got cancelled after just three short seasons. So I'm making a serious plea here people: watch Arrested Development. Then tell all your friends to watch it, too. Then send letters to the executives at Fox telling them how much you love the show (because if you watch it, you'll love it). You can find contact info for these bigwigs as well as other helpful information on the Save Our Bluths website. Update: (Please note that this website is out of date, and most of the news on it refers to the successful campaign to get Arrested Development renewed for a third—its current—season. This means you, DaButtminster. The Fox contact info and advice for helping assure Arrested's continued survival is still relevant though.)

Arrested Development currently airs on Fox and is shown on Monday nights at 8:00 PM. Well, some Monday nights anyway. Considering that the current season is only going to be thirteen episodes long, it's not unusual to tune in to Fox at the scheduled time only to find something that is not an offbeat comedy about a dysfunctional upper-class family in LA. But now I'm just rambling.

Seriously though, watch Arrested Development. Trust me, it's better than whatever junk you're couch potatoing to now. Watch it and you'll thank me later. Unless you're just rude, in which case you'll just claim to have discovered one of TV's best two comedy shows all on your own. Jerk.

image sourceCategories: Culture, Humor

Basically Like Stealing

2006-01-09T15:15:00.000-08:00

So, I went to see a movie this weekend. As in, actually at the cineplex, which is something that I rarely do any more. I had a generally good time, and not just because of the movie I saw or the company I enjoyed. One of the other reasons that I tend to enjoy myself at the movies more than most people is the smug satisfaction I get out of being essentially a leech on the theater's business model. Interestingly, I came across an article today that specifically reinforces that concept in my mind, and even is so kind as to list out the ways in which I personally stiff the movie houses. According to the article, movie theaters' revenue is based upon three sources:

concessions (popcorn and sodas primarily)
ticket sales
advertising

On the rare occasion that I go to the movies, I manage to deny them the greatest amount of money possible from all three of these categories:

I never purchase their insanely overpriced popcorn or sodas.
I rarely go to an evening showing, and if I do (as I did this weekend), it is only with coupon in hand.
I show up a few minutes after the published start time so as not to see any advertising.

Granted, not watching the advertisements doesn't cause them not to get paid for them, but it is one less "impression" that they can claim. Also, not only do I not buy their food, but I take great joy in smuggling in as much food as possible—bottles of water, big boxes of grocery-store-bought candy, and full meals purchased at a neighboring fast food outlet, including one time when I hid four or five Arby's sandwiches in my jacket.

I also employ similar tactics at certain grocery stores. Tactics such as never setting foot inside them unless they have a dozen or more items on a particularly good sale. I buy the items on sale, and only the items on sale, pay with a credit card, and leave. The "you saved" amount on my receipt is often equal to or greater than the actual total bill. I'm pretty sure they lose money every time I walk through their store.

Of course, I realize that if everyone were as much of a total cheapskate as I am, the movie theaters and grocery stores in question would surely go out of business. Incidentally, no matter how much I try, I just can't seem to care.

Hang on... nope, not one bit.

Source: Slate

image sourceCategories: Personal, Capitalism

Project CRAP: Week 51 Report

2006-01-05T22:53:00.000-08:00

Click here for the explanation of Project CRAP
Box size: 15" wide by 11" tall by 14 1/2" deep.
Total Weight of CRAP: 42.62 lbs
Depth of CRAP: 15.33"
New Pieces of CRAP: 9
Total Pieces of CRAP: 640
LowLight of the Week: Uh-oh. It looks like someone didn't get the memo. That is to say, they didn't get the memo indicating that Skor fulfilled his financial obligation to the student loan companies back in February, and thus has no loans available to be consolidated. It's too bad though, because Skor was really excited about getting involved in this "free Federal program with no credit check, cosigners, or fees." It definitely sounds like a super deal that anyone with a student loan would slap their own sister to get involved with.

Click for a larger version of this week's winner.
Comments: Project CRAP has almost reached its completion! If only Skor had something more interesting to talk about than that! Oh wait, there is one thing worth mentioning. Strangely, the weight of the CRAP dropped to roughly half of the weekly average this week. It would seem that the retailers figured that either everyone had already finished their shopping by the week before Christmas, or if they hadn't, they wouldn't be looking at ads. In either case, this development was quite unexpected.

Categories: Features

Uplifting Moment #129

2006-01-05T14:54:00.000-08:00

It really makes you feel good inside when you attend a company meeting (one for briefing employees on the performance of the company over the last year and looking forward to next year) and you are basically told:

The bad news is, we didn't meet our projected revenues and we lost money on the year. But the good news is that we didn't lose as much as we did the year before!

Furthermore, it's great to hear the projections of how well the company is going to do in the coming year, increasing revenues by over 25%, gaining new customers and turning a profit, and then hear the general manager qualify it with the phrase "if we can pull it off."

I imagine this kind of experience would take on quite a different light if one were, say... closing a deal with a much larger, well-established company to work for them for nearly 10% more salary. Not that I would know anything about that.

Hypothetically, you know.

image sourceCategories: Personal

Project CRAP: Week 50 Report

2006-01-04T12:42:00.000-08:00

Click here for the explanation of Project CRAP
Box size: 15" wide by 11" tall by 14 1/2" deep.
Total Weight of CRAP: 42.16 lbs
Depth of CRAP: 15.25"
New Pieces of CRAP: 11
Total Pieces of CRAP: 631
LowLight of the Week: Ikea pulls down their second LowLight award with this "special" invitation to the Sale Preview. They only invited VIPs to attend, apparently. Skor is such a special VIP that they don't even need to use his name, but rather call him simply a "Special IKEA Shopper." How special!

Click for a larger version of this week's winner.
Comments: No, Skor didn't forget about the last three weeks of Project CRAP. He just got way behind because of all the Christmas business. If you were paying for this as some kind of service maybe you would have some standing to complain. But as it is, Skor has yet to see a penny from any of you freeloaders, so late CRAP reports it is. Weeks 51 and 52 are pretty much prepared and will be posted in the next few days. Surely you are on the edge of your seat.

Categories: Features

Dance Dance Revolution: Mario Mix

2006-01-03T10:59:00.000-08:00

Do you want to know what kind of terrible problems I face on a daily basis? Of course you don't. But too bad, because I'm going to tell you about my latest problem anyway. And, here I go.

Dance Dance Revolution for the GameCube. It came out in October, and since I've been waiting for like about forever for it, I of course decided that I must have it. But there was a chance that someone might buy it for me for a holiday gift^* so I held off. Well, nobody bought it for me (*sniff*), so now that January has come around I decided to buy it for myself. But alas! DDR: Mario Mix is nowhere to be found! Target: nope. Game Crazy: nada. EB Games: zilch. Gamestop: yeah right. Even at so-called Best Buy: not happenin'.

So what's going on here? What evil forces are conspiring to deny me sweet dance dance action with my GameCube? I scoured the online news sources, searching for some clue as to what could be going on, only to come up empty-handed. After noticing that auctions for the game on eBay were skyrocketing to as much as $175 (3.5 times the off-the-shelf price!) I decided to go to the source to get some answers.

Here's the letter that I sent to Nintendo (more or less):

From: Skor Grimm <skorgrimm@gmail.com>
To: Nintendo <nintendo@noa.nintendo.com>
Date: 14:22:34.000 01/02/2006
Subject: Webform: Nintendo GameCube > Where to Buy

Hi, you probably don't know me, but I have practically been drooling on myself since DDR: Mario Mix came out because I want it so bad. I was barely able to contain myself through Christmas, keeping my fingers crossed for months in the hope that I would unwrap some sweet dance dance action on Ye Olde December 25th. Unfortunately for me (and for my trousers), I did not receive the dancing Mario at Christmas. So of course I got in my car the very next day and drove to the nearest store to buy it for myself.

After about twenty minutes inside, I realized that Safeway doesn't sell video games. So I went to a store that I'd seen it at before Christmas, only to find an empty shelf. I tried to contain the intense weeping that followed to no more than five minutes (which was quite difficult), and I quickly made my way to the next possible location to find it. When it wasn't in stock there either I began to become suspicious. Indeed; after searching every retail outlet within a fifty mile radius I was beginning to become seriously distraught—and hungry.

So I have to ask, where's the dancing Mario love? Also, do you have a sandwich? I really want to buy this game from you. I mean, like so badly that I'd steal bread from the orphans and splash old ladies with my car if I thought it would help. I want DDR: Mario Mix more than I want my next goat cheese taco (boy are those tasty). So how about it, can you help a brother out?

Yours truly,

Skor Grimm
Seattle, WA

And here the official response I received a mere 15 hours later from Nintendo, as penned by the eloquent Sharon Matheny:

From: Nintendo <nintendo@noa.nintendo.com>
To: Skor Grimm <skorgrimm@gmail.com>
Date: Tue, 3 Jan 2006 05:33:24 --800
Subject: Re : Webform: Nintendo GameCube > Where to Buy

Hello and thank you for contacting Nintendo,

I'm sorry to hear of the problems you've experienced trying to locate Dance Dance Revolution: Mario Mix. Consumer demand for the game was beyond our wildest expectations, so much that most stores, as well as here at our warehouses, now find themselves out of stock. We're currently reviewing our plans to bring in more product in 2006.

I sincerely empathize with your struggle to locate a copy of the game. Rest assured that your feedback will be forwarded along for further review.

Sincerely,

Nintendo of America Inc.
Sharon Matheny

So that's all I have to go on—a steaming pile of empathy and a vague promise that they're "reviewing plans." I really hope that more copies start showing up on the shelf soon, because whistling the Mario theme and making up my own dance steps while watching the Super Mario Brothers movie on mute is probably going to start getting old in a few months.

*Isn't that just one of the dumbest sounding things you've ever read? "Holiday gift"—seriously.

Update (02.01.2006): Word straight from Nintendo is that DDR: Mario Mix will be back on shelves in April! Huzzah!

Categories: Personal, Capitalism

Random Memory #489

2006-01-02T09:53:00.000-08:00

In my high school chemistry class the professor celebrated Mole Day. On October 23rd, all his chemistry classes had a party where we enjoyed mole-related treats (such as mol[e]asses cookies—so clever) and participated in various mole-related activities.

One guy brought his guitar and played a variation of the Beastie Boys' "Fight for Your Right," with the new lyrics being "You gotta fight! For your right... to mole day!"

High school was a strange time for me.

Categories: Personal

Gone, Gone, GONE!

2005-12-28T23:59:00.000-08:00

Skor will be trekking through December 28th. Expect little to no posting until after that date.

In the mean time, your quest is to feed a kiwi to a squirrel.

Merry Christmas!

Beat The December Dumps

2005-12-21T15:54:00.000-08:00

Ahh, December. That glorious month of 8-hour daylight, bitterly cold nights, endless rain, frenzied late-night shopping, and obligated time spent tolerating relatives. What's not to love about December? I know a lot of people tend to feel pretty down in the dumps in December, and I have to say I just don't "get it." That's probably because I'm "insensitive," "detached," and "evil." However, I'm not the type to rub my winter-blues-immunity in others' faces in the same way that the birds constantly mock me regarding their innate ability to fly. "Look at me! I'm flying! I don't even have a brain the size of a kiwi, and I can just fly right off this roof! Isn't that swell?" Stupid birds. Anyway, that just wouldn't be productive. No, I have come here today to offer constructive ideas for how to get yourself up out of that winter slump.

The items on the list I made above are obviously some of the biggest sources of the December dumps for many people, so why don't we take a look at each of them one at a time?

Only 8 Hours of Daylight
Sure, you could mope about, lamenting the fact that it's dark when you get to work, and dark again when you leave for home, but what good does that do you? How about instead use your creativity to take advantage of all that extra darkness. For instance, you could bring a 10 pound sack of potatoes in your car, and as you're driving down a busy street just toss it out the window. Thanks to the darkness, your neighboring drivers' imaginations take over at that point, and that sack of potatoes becomes a small child, a dog, or a stash of illicit drugs. Hah! Or how about filling up your car with a few thousand of those neon glow sticks so you look like some kind of freaky alien craft as you travel down the road? Or there's always the old standby "see if you can make it all the way home without turning on the headlights." That one's pretty fun, too.

Bitterly Cold Nights
Bitter cold means freezing temperatures all night. And freezing temperatures all night mean that when you pour a few five-gallon buckets of cold water over your car, it quickly becomes an ice shield, protecting the car from harmful air or falling leaves, plus not being able to open the doors means no thieves can steal your car overnight. Also useful as a home protection device—just pour the water all over your sidewalk, and you can sleep easy knowing that any would-be intruders are laid out on your lawn with a concussion, as seen in Home Alone. (Remember that movie? The first one, I mean. Not the "lets soak this idea for all we can" abominations that came later.) But bitter cold isn't just good for free security, it can be fun, too! Like turning on your neighbor's hose at night, and beholding the sweet sculptures that result all over his lawn in the morning. Or get a bunch of friends together and play "how long can you lay face-up on the ground outside in nothing but your underwears?" Good times.

Endless Rain
Oh man, what can't you do with rain? Lots of rain means lots of puddles, which of course means lots of HUGE SPLASHES when you drive your car right through them or jump directly into the middle with both feet. Bonus points if there happen to be children near enough to get soaked by the resulting tsunami. Or what about re-routing your neighbor's gutters so they pour the water right into the foundation, turning the ground beneath his foundation into soft mud, and his whole house sinks five or six feet overnight? Imagine the look on his face—priceless. If you get bored with that, try standing outside face-up with your mouth wide open and see how long it takes for the rain to fill up your mouth.

Frenzied Late-Night Shopping
Definitely one of my favorite Christmas-time activities is to head on over to the nearby popular mall and bask in the madness of thousands of people completely missing the point of it all. The closer you get to the big day, the stronger the air tastes of fear and desperation. In order to get the most out of this experience, I recommend coming armed with a bag full of candy canes and lumps of coal. Whenever you see someone doing something nice for another person, give them a candy cane and tell them: "You've been nice Sally/Billy (depending on if it's a guy or girl), here's a candy cane. Merry Christmas!" When you see someone being rude or impatient, give them a piece of coal, and say: "You've been naughty. All you get is this coal." You'll probably need about ten times as much coal as candy canes.

Family Time
Many people dread spending Christmas with family. Maybe it's because they only see these family members once a year (or less), or maybe it's because that one uncle is going to show up and get drunk and try to play darts with the cat and the ornaments. Well even dreaded family get-togethers can be a source of entertainment with just a little help from Mr. Rumor and Ms. Gag Gift. For example, whisper something like "don't tell Susan (your 25 year-old sister), but I think Uncle Joe (your 50 year-old single uncle) has a serious crush on her" into your other sister's ear, and let the amusing awkwardness commence. How about those extra-conservative grandparents of yours? Don't you think they would just love some sexy lingerie and an "erotic massage" book? Of course they would.

So as you can see, any potentially depressing situation can be turned around for the better. All it takes is a few ounces of creativity, a half-cup of deviousness, and a dash of criminal intent. If all else fails and you find you just can't do without that summer-induced buzz, you could always just take a six-month vacation in Australia (their seasons are opposite there, you know). I'm sure the kangaroos would be glad to have some non-criminally-descended people to practice their boxing with for a change.

Categories: Culture

05-0237, As Amended (Kenmore Bans Card Rooms)

2005-12-19T23:24:00.000-08:00

Please note that Skor Grimm is reporting this news before any of the other local news outlets. Booyah.

At a special meeting this evening attended by over one hundred fifty citizens in a standing-room-only meeting hall in Kenmore, the city council voted 5-1-1 to ban "social card games," effective December 29th. This will have the effect of forcing the 11th Frame card room to close. Owner Frank Evans claims that the Kenmore Lanes bowling alley loses tens of thousands of dollars each month, and he will be forced to close the bowling alley and restaurant in addition to the card room, putting roughly two hundred people out of jobs. From the mix of comments, it appeared that nearly half of those employees were present at the meeting. Here are some comments from the public testimony from each side:

Anti Ban (Pro Card Rooms)

"How can you [the city council] sleep at night?"
[sarcastically] "This must be the Christian & neighborly thing to do."
One man predicts 25% divorce rates, children on the street, homelessness and more if the city forces the 11th Frame card room to close.
"Where is our compassion?"
"It's not the American way [to close the card room], that's dictatorship."
"It's not fair, it's not just." (Frank Evans, 11th Frame & Kenmore Lanes Owner)
"It embarrasses me to come from the city of Kenmore." (Former Councilwoman)
One woman pointed out that Kenmore Lanes paid for her brain surgery, the same kind George Clooney had, and he was on Oprah.

Pro Ban (Anti Card Rooms)

"It's not about the bowling alley, its about the future of the city"
The damage from gambling can be "equivalent to hurricane Katrina."
"There are jobs out there, you just need to swallow your pride." (speaking to those who will be out of a job when the 11th Frame closes)

The public comment period lasted from approximately 7:00 PM to 9:15 PM, and roughly 75 people made comments before the council. A reporter from 710 KIRO was in attendance, but left around 8:00 PM. No other attendees were obvious members of the media. At 9:39 PM, the vote was taken. The votes were cast as follows:

Steven Colwell, Mayor: Yes
David Baker, Deputy Mayor: Yes
Jack V. Crawford: Yes
John Hendrickson: Abstain
Bob Hensel: No
Glenn Rogers: Yes
Allan Van Ness: Yes

Immediately after the vote was taken, ~95% of the 100-strong Kenmore Lanes constituency (loudly) left the room, leaving their empty Starbucks cups and their "Save Kenmore Lanes" signs where they sat. Roughly thirty-five people remained through the end of the meeting. After taking a few budgetary votes, retiring councilmembers Jack Crawford and Steven Colwell each gave a farewell speech of sorts, which was received with warm applause. The meeting adjourned at approximately 10:00 PM.

Categories: News, Local, Politics

Project CRAP: Week 49 Report

2005-12-19T23:00:00.000-08:00

Click here for the explanation of Project CRAP
Box size: 15" wide by 11" tall by 14 1/2" deep.
Total Weight of CRAP: 41.44 lbs
Depth of CRAP: 15"
New Pieces of CRAP: 18
Total Pieces of CRAP: 620
LowLight of the Week: It's a big giant ape, and it wins this week's LowLight award! And what is the gorilla coming to tell Skor? Why, if Skor just joins a movie club and purchases a bunch of DVDs at inflated prices, he can get two movie tickets for FREE! What a deal! In fact, this is such a good deal that Skor just couldn't bear to open the envelope, for fear that by accepting such an offer he would cause extreme financial hardship to come upon Universal.

Click for a larger version of this week's winner.
Comments: Somehow these posts just keep getting made later and later. This week there isn't really any excuse. Skor is just plain lazy. CRAP this week came in astonishingly below the average so far this year. On the first day of the CRAP-week, Skor was quite excited to have received a catalog from a jeweler, detailing all the many ways that you can burn your money on an artificially-expensive hunk of carbon. The catalog was not only going to do its part to push the total CRAP toward Skor's 50 pound prediction, but it was also a shoe-in for the LowLight award. However, much to Skor's dismay, the catalog was actually addressed to the neighboring mailbox. Sad.

Categories: Features

More 2005 "Christmas" Tidbits

2005-12-16T12:30:00.000-08:00

Read "The Last Christmas"
by Penny Arcade

Here's a few more stories of a Christmas-related nature. That is to say, they have nothing to do whatsoever with Jesus' birth, but rather are about the cultural quirks that have arisen surrounding this time of year. First off here's an article out of San Francisco that should eliminate any doubt you may have once had that everyone in that town is absolutely insane:

The cultural minefield of December has another politically loaded question to tiptoe around: Will you purchase a real tree or an artificial one?

And then, what will you call it?

Your answer will speak to your commitment to protecting American jobs, reducing the trade deficit, preventing environmental destruction, helping us breathe and, of course, showing where you stand on the Rev. Jerry Falwell's efforts to counter what he calls the anti-Christian "war on Christmas."

Wow. And here I thought I just liked the yearly trek to find "the one tree" and the smell of fresh evergreen in my house. Who knew that some people would be capable of taking something so simple and turning it into something mind-bogglingly over-complicated.

Secondly, I would like to draw your attention to two "Christmas" displays from around the country that I found particularly amusing. I should explain that the reason I am so tickled by these displays is that they openly mock the symbols and traditions of Christmas that in fact do not relate to Jesus' birth at all. That, and I'm just a fan of senseless violence. So anyway, from Miami Beach comes hanging santa, which is literally a blindfolded life-sized santa with a noose around his neck hanging from a tree. And from Orlando we have bleeding Rudolph, where one of those lighted reindeer is hanging by the back legs from a tree with a string of red lights coming out of it like blood.

Maybe these homeowners are trying to send a "message" about the over-commercialization of Christmas, or how Santa and reindeer are stupid distractions from the real meaning of Christmas. Or maybe they just wanted to piss off their neighbors and make little children cry. Whatever their motivations, I endorse this kind of behavior. Way to go, you crazy Floridians.

Lastly, I'd like to talk a bit about radio again. I listen to a fair amount of AM radio, and 570 AM is one of my stations of choice. One thing that the local hosts on 570 like to talk a lot about lately is the whole "war on Christmas" thing. They make a big deal out of saying "Merry Christmas" and pointing out stores and businesses that sterile Christmas by only referring to the "holiday" or the "season." That's all well and good, and I mostly agree with their commentary on our culture, but as I listened to the advertisements that would play during the (all too frequent) commercial breaks, I began to notice an interesting pattern—most of their own advertisers don't refer to Christmas by name, either.

I listened for a few hours this morning and jotted down some notes so I would have some actual numbers to post here. Here's what I found:

Ads that refer to Christmas: 6
Ads that refer to the "holiday" but not Christmas: 17
Ads that don't refer to Christmas or "holidays" at all: 26

So it turns out that advertisers on 570 KVI are sterilizing Christmas by nearly a 3:1 margin, and yet I have not once heard the hosts criticize even one of them. [Update: see below] Gee, I wonder why that could be. Don't get me wrong, I still quite enjoy listening to KVI, but I do find it somewhat hypocritical to criticize others for something that your own station is guilty of.

Nevertheless, for those of us that do not have to live under the cloud of "do as I say, not as I do," I have compiled a list of the companies whose advertisements I heard. I'll be updating this list as I listen to the station more between now and December 25th. Do with this information what you will. Whichever side you're on, I'm sure you can think of something useful to do with a list like this, such as sending handmade doilies to the companies that agree with you and leave flaming bags of poo on the doorstep of the offenders. You know, whatever.

View/Hide the list of advertisers.

Refer to Christmas:

Kiel Mortgage (specifically wishes a Merry Christmas)
Sleepytime Toe Tent (specifically wishes a Merry Christmas)
Hallmark Gold Crown
Christmas In The Northwest
KONG 6/16 (uses "holiday" 4-5 times, 1 mention of "Christmas in the Northwest")
Karaoke Sound & Lighting (passing mention of Christmas music, wishes "Happy Holidays")

Refer to the "holiday" but not Christmas:

No mention of Christmas or holidays:

Hide the list of advertisers.

Merry Christmas!

Update (12.20.2005): Kudos to Kirby Wilbur (morning KVI host), who was heard on the air this morning chastising the Mariners for their "What are you getting Bob for a holiday gift" ad. He said he would not be buying any Mariners tickets, and that his wife actually called the Mariners to express their disappointment. So I take back the "hypocritical" label from Kirby.

Sources: San Francisco Chronicle, Local 6, WFTV

Categories: Culture, Capitalism, Religion

Dueling Radio Ads

2005-12-15T10:58:00.000-08:00

For some inexplicable reason, I often find myself in the presence of a conventional AM/FM radio that is both turned on and tuned in to a local broadcast. I find that much of the time the I spend listening to such broadcasts is in fact spent listening to advertisements. Lately there have been two companies whose commercials have actually broken through the haze and caught my attention: Shuttle Express and AAA. Though they offer services that are somewhat related, the way that they attempt to sell themselves is quite different.

In case you're not aware, Shuttle Express is a Seattle-area service that offers to show up at your home, blindfold and gag you, throw you in a van and whisk you to the airport. A typical Shuttle Express radio ad presents some scenario in which a person (we'll use the name Joe for clarity) that needs to get to the airport calls their friends or family to ask for a ride, only to find one of the following things about their prospective chauffeur:

Has something much more important to do, like sharpening all their pencils or ironing their socks.
In fact hates Joe's guts and can't stand to spend three seconds in his presence, let alone the hour it would take to drive him to the airport.
Will provide the ride, but only because they feel like they have to, and they can't think up a good enough excuse. They definitely won't enjoy it at all, though.

AAA's offerings are related to Shuttle Express' in that many people would be able to extract similar services from their friends or family, but AAA takes somewhat of a different approach to marketing themselves. In a typical radio ad for AAA, someone is engaged in a monologue directed toward a friend or family member, in which they cover the following points:

You're my [son|daughter|brother|sister|best friend], and I want you to know, I care for you.
I'd be willing to do pretty much anything for you, because hey, that's what being [family|friends] is about.
Like if your car breaks down or you run out of gas, I'd even drive thousands of miles across country, get arrested for those outstanding warrants in Colorado, spend a few weeks in jail, then get out only to find that my car has been stolen, and I have to find a job in a diner cleaning dishes for a husky, gruff-voiced woman named Darla so I can earn enough money to buy a bus ticket to get to you.
But I would eventually get to you and help you out, because that's how much you mean to me.

You see, Shuttle Express and AAA both want to convince you that rather than calling your friends or family, you're better off paying for their service. Although Shuttle Express may have painted the more accurate picture of most family and friend relationships, I find their advertisements to be disgusting an unfunny, as they basically come across as saying: "Being friends means never doing nice things for one another. In fact, if you ask for a favor you're a bad friend. You're pretty much on your own, because everyone hates you. Remember that when they come asking for favors, too." On the other hand, AAA's ads amuse me, humorously getting across the message: "While your friends and family love you and are willing to help out, sometimes they're just not very good at it."

Of course, that's not to say I intend to give either company any of my hard-earned money. I have unusually proficient and helpful family and friends after all. But at least AAA makes me smile.

image sourceCategories: Capitalism

Needs vs. Wants

2005-12-13T15:02:00.000-08:00

So, I was in a store the other day and the lady ahead of me in line at the register said something to the effect of "I'm very organized." That's a nice quality—it's good to be organized, I pondered. Then I watched as she demonstrated her organizational skills by pulling a folded coupon out of the side pocket of her purse.

In her continued conversation with the cashier, I heard the nice chatty lady say "I only buy needs, not wants." I thought to myself, now there's a good philosophy, and it's one you don't see very often in today's culture, either. How nice. Then the cashier stated the total bill, with coupons: just over $100 for a set of bed sheets. Hmm. Yes, $100 sheets are clearly a "need."

I can think of a lot of things that would fall under this woman's classification of "needs." For instance, I need a $30,000 sports car. No scratch that, I need an $80,000 sports car. I also need 100 acres of property with a 10,000 square foot house and an adjoining platypus farm. On an island. Furthermore, I need a seven course meal each evening. If $100 sheets are a "need" then I'm really not sure what qualifies as "wants." I suppose that the platypus farm might be a want. But I really want it, so bad that I won't be happy without it. I need it in order to be happy. So it's a need, too.

In closing, I would just like to say that it's fun to be an American.

Categories: Culture

Project CRAP: Week 48 Report

2005-12-09T17:28:00.000-08:00

Click here for the explanation of Project CRAP
Box size: 15" wide by 11" tall by 14 1/2" deep.
Total Weight of CRAP: 40.42 lbs
Depth of CRAP: 14 3/4"
New Pieces of CRAP: 11
Total Pieces of CRAP: 602
LowLight of the Week: Whoa, this ticket-shaped thing was so big that it didn't even fully fit in Skor's scanner. Twelve inches long, and printed on cardboard. Apparently Netflix really wanted to get Skor's attention. Well congratulations Netflix, you did. However, even though you managed to use the word "FREE" four times (nowhere near the record, by the way), all you got was the LowLight of the Week award. Lucky you.

Click for a larger version of this week's winner.
Comments: Only four weeks left before Project CRAP is over! As you can see, the CRAP has (as predicted) risen to a level above the extended reach of the CRAP box. Thankfully, since there are only four weeks left, Skor can probably get away with just continuing to pile it on. Plus, as an added bonus, that will make the end result look more dramatic. This week was another above-average week, though only by a hair. With so little time remaining, the projected total weight of CRAP has inched up to 44 pounds. If someone sends Skor an advertisement inscribed on a brick, maybe it will get above 50 pounds after all.

Categories: Features

No on 901 Post Mortem Mockery

2005-12-08T15:06:00.000-08:00

Or...
How Not To Run An Anti-Initiative Campaign

So, it's December 8th—the big day. From this day forward, anyone who wants to kill themselves slowly with cancer sticks in the state of Washington is going to have to take their cancer stick and all their foul cancer air either outside or onto an Indian reservation. Alternatively you could look at it as the beginning of bowling without coming home reeking of cigarettes. Whatever way you choose to perceive it, the will of 63.2467%* of those who voted in November is now being enforced.

By now I have clearly betrayed my loyalties on this matter, and many people have accused me of betraying my pure evil roots as well, but I can't help but be happy that this passed. Would the same people who are up at arms about this be equally concerned about protecting my right to make loud annoying screeeeeeeeeeking sounds in their presence? I think not. Listen, I proposed a non-legislative solution that would have been fair and equitable for everyone, but I guess it just didn't get enough press. But how much I'm going to enjoy going to restaurants and bowling alleys and not being assaulted by the stench of cigarette smoke isn't really the point of this post.

On this first day of strict anti-smoking enforcement, I'd like to take a moment to look back on the campaign of the opposition to I-901. Considering that 901 passed with the widest margin of any of 2005's ballot measures, I think it would be interesting to use the No on 901 campaign as an instructional example on how to lose a pro- or anti-initiative campaign.

From the anti-901 website:

Opponents spent over 1.5 million garnered from drug companies and special interest groups that funnel their money through The American Cancer Society, American Heart Association and the American Lung Association. On the other hand we never got the financial backing or support from 99.9% of groups who's responsibility it is in this state to fight for small business owners. We didn't accept big tobacco money either.

Good job. You took the high ground. And it got you exactly nothing. Would dirty cancer dollars from the tobacco companies have produced lower quality commercials than the imaginary money you relied on? I think not. In the end, all you get from turning down (or not pursuing) dirty money is a warm feeling in your heart. That seems to be pretty much true across all politics, in fact. If you want to win, you need money, and if the enemy of your enemy has money, then they are your friend. Strike one.

From the "What I-901 is About" page on their website:

This is not a debate on the merits of smoking.

Hmm. Considering that the ballot title was the following:

This measure would prohibit smoking in buildings and vehicles open to the public and places of employment, including areas within 25 feet of doorways and ventilation openings unless a lesser distance is approved.

I would say that it in fact was a debate about the merits of smoking. Specifically about the merits of smoking indoors, thus forcing potentially unwilling bystanders and employees of businesses to enjoy your delicious aroma. Denying the primary subject matter does little to advance one's cause. Strike two.

Now, I don't have any evidence to support that this final point was the doing of the official No on 901 campaign, but then again if you were engaging in such tactics you wouldn't want it to be obvious. I'm talking about the sign pictured at right. It reads:

SAY NO TO MORE TAXES!
VOTE NO ON 901
FREEDOM IS ABOUT CHOICES!

Again, this is not pictured anywhere in the No on 901's Posters page, so I don't know who was actually responsible for these, but I saw quite a few of them in the Seattle area. In case you're not sure—no, I-901 in fact had nothing whatsoever to do with taxes. So these well-constructed signs were essentially attempting to pull a fast one on the unsuspecting voters. Granted, one would have to be pretty much a complete illiterate to fall for this, as the true purpose of the initiative is printed right on the ballot, but considering the condition of our state's public education system, I can see why they tried this tactic. Still though, the deceptive posters probably turned more people off than the few people they may have fooled. Strike three.

So, to recap the main points:

Don't take money from your #1 deep-pocketed ally.
Refuse to argue the merits of the initiative.
Completely and blatantly misrepresent the initiative.

The No on 901 campaign followed all of these guidelines quite well, and succeeded in convincing approximately three people to change their minds and vote against the initiative. Perhaps the entire No on 901 campaign was actually a smokescreen put in place by the pro-901 lobby, as a tricky way to assure that their initiative would win by a wide margin. In any case, there are surely plenty of ways that this information can be put into practice in the future, and I can sleep easy tonight knowing that by providing this information I may have helped make politics even slimier.

* As a side note, it is laughable to me that they carry the percentage out to four decimal places. That's a precision of 18 votes statewide. Given what we learned from the 2004 election, the official results might not even be accurate to within 1,000 votes of what it should legally be, let alone 18.

Categories: News, Local, Politics

Merry Christmas! Or Something!

2005-12-07T10:44:00.000-08:00

So, yesterday I mentioned how the mysteriously religious nature of the "Christmas" tree led to its removal from a local elementary school, and today I'm not even halfway to work when I hear this story on the radio:

In Federal Way, December lunch menus for all 23 elementary schools were recalled and reprinted with the words "Happy Holidays" at a cost of $494 after a new nutrition services employee mistakenly prepared them with the greeting "Merry Christmas," spokeswoman Diane Turner said.
...
Using "Merry Christmas" on the menus violated school system policies because "it has a religious connotation for some people," Turner said.

"Our objective is to provide information to the diversity of the people that we have in our district," she said. "We try to respect each individuals [sic] point of view."

Good for them. I know how pissy I can be when a Jewish friend wishes me a Happy Chanukah. Those jerks, why can't they be more respectful of my point of view? In fact, I think that policies like this don't go far enough. It's not good enough to simply omit "Merry Christmas" from verbal and printed greetings. I think we need to take it to the next level. We should make sure that our real feelings are made absolutely clear. I suggest using phrases such as the following:

Screw you, and have a crappy Christmas!
Take your Christmas and shove it!
I hope you choke on a sharp piece of peanut brittle!
Have an absolutely awful Christmas!
Go drown in a bowl of eggnog!

See, if you don't want someone to have a merry Christmas, there are all sorts of ways you can express that sentiment. "Happy Holidays" is so dull and sterile. I want to know where people really stand. So do me a favor and start being clearer about how you really feel.

Merry Christmas, everybody.

Source: Seattle Times

image sourceCategories: News, Local, Religion

(Mostly) Local News Roundup

2005-12-06T22:38:00.000-08:00

As I've been reading through various news stories today, I've had a few thoughts that might make good posts. However, rather than choosing one or two ideas and attempting to stretch them into full-length posts, I'm going to do something a little different. Or, if you recall the Local News Roundup I did way back when, it's something a little the same.

Titanic sank in just five minutes, study of hull pieces finds (Seattle P-I):

So, some dudes found a couple pieces of the Titanic, and now a bunch of people have come up with a bunch of new theories about how the boat sunk. Woop-dee-doo. Get this though:
The newly found hull sections, located about a third of a mile from the stern of the wreck, were examined during an expedition in August sponsored by The History Channel. On Monday, Titanic experts met at Woods Hole Oceanographic Institution to discuss their analysis for a documentary to be aired on the cable channel on Feb. 26.
Okay, I never knew there was such a job title as "Titanic Expert" or "Titanic Historian" (later in the article). What does the daily job of a "Titanic Expert" look like? Sure seems like it would be boring.

Complaint fells school's 'giving tree' (King County Journal):

It's Return of the Christmas Grinch: 2005 in Medina!
Medina Elementary School officials took down a Christmas-themed "giving tree" Monday after a parent complained about its religious connotations.

Chris Metzger, office manager at Medina, said the spiral, lighted Christmas tree with a star on top was up for about a week before it was removed.

The tree had mittens on it with a different gift idea attached to each. The idea was for students to take a mitten, get the gift listed, wrap it up and return it to school along with the mitten.
Could someone here please enlighten me, because I'm a bit confused about something. What exactly are the "religious connotations" of a "Christmas" tree? Was Jesus born in an evergreen forest? Did Mary and Joseph go cut down a small noble fir to commemorate the child's birth? Or perhaps his manger was made of pine? As far as I know, "Christmas" trees in fact have absolutely nothing to do with Jesus' birth, and therefore have about as much "religious connotation" as Dunder and Blixem.

Smaller County Council won't mean smaller staff (Seattle Times):

This bit of news is sure to come a surprise:
Downsizing the Metropolitan King County Council, promoted as a way of cutting costs, won't save taxpayers much money after all.
...
Each of the nine remaining County Council members will receive money to hire a fourth personal legislative assistant under the 2006 county budget adopted by the council last month. The 13 current members have three aides apiece.

The budget also adds three new positions to the council's central policy-research staff. The net effect: 12 staff jobs eliminated, 12 jobs created.
I for one am shocked, shocked I tell you, to find that government would find a way to maintain the status quo like that. Shocked.

State trooper or panhandler? Drivers fooled (Seattle Times):

You probably heard of this one if you listen to the radio or watch TV news. I have to say, I was quite amused and impressed at this clever tactic being used to lay the smack down on these nefarious law-breakers. But I really busted a gut when I read this bit about the initial run in Vancouver (WA) last month:
One passenger rolled down his window, hollered obscenities at Linn and hurled a half-full can of soda before he realized Linn was a trooper. The man was given a $1,050 littering ticket. A 15-year-old who was driving the car was cited for not having a valid license and for allegedly stealing his father's rental car, Kesler said.
Whoops, busted. Not many things are more amusing to me than the thought of idiot punks getting the smack laid down on them.

Film fans can expect more advertising on big screen (USA Today):

So, according to USA Today, pre-movie advertising is here to stay—and set to increase. Splendid.
Moviegoers should get used to those ads shown as they settle into their seats.

Ad forecasters at ZenithOptimedia said on Monday that spending on in-theater ads, usually shown before the trailers, rose by 18% this year to $400 million — and likely will go up by about 15% each year through 2008.
And the movie industry wonders why fewer and fewer people are going to the movies. Yeah, that's quite a puzzlement. Rising ticket prices, declining movie quality (and originality), increasing advertisements... Who would have thought that all that would lead to decreasing attendance?

Categories: Features, News, Local

Why Is It Heated?

2005-12-05T15:48:00.000-08:00

The many throngs of dedicated readers of this blog may recall my feelings on self-storage facilities. At this time, I would like to take a moment to address such places of business again. This time though, I will focus on a different aspect of these establishments—climate control.

It seems that a big "feature" touted by all the self-storage facilities is "heated" this and "climate-controlled" that. Now, perhaps I'm just an uncivilized Philistine (perhaps?!?), but I find myself experiencing difficulty trying to conceive of what practical use heated storage could have over non-heated storage. In fact, the only practical use I can think of at all would be to use the storage unit as an actual living quarters. Think about it, at under $200 per month for ~250 square feet, its a screaming housing deal. Come to think of it, I haven't seen these heated "storage units" offered up outside of the Seattle area, where housing is ridiculously expensive and winters are chilly and wet. Of course, that could be because I don't go outside of the Seattle area.

Assuming that this is indeed a national phenomenon, aside from being a harbinger of societal doom, what does it mean? Well, I said I couldn't think of any practical uses for such a service, but I can definitely think of some bizarre uses for it. For instance, perhaps people use heated storage to store their unused lava lamps. They would probably break if they froze, and you never know when you'll need your lava lamps again, so getting rid of them would of course be unthinkable. Or maybe people put their frozen meat in the heated storage unit and then retrieve it a few days later after it has thawed, thanks to the magic of climate control. You know how when you have an empty plastic bottle (like the ones that bottled water comes in, or two-liter sodas), and it gets cold and then the walls suck in and the bottle gets all deformed? What better place to store your unused plastic bottles than heated storage, where you won't have to worry about bottle deformation?

So I guess there are at least a few uses for heated self-storage, but I'm thinking that the primary purpose most people pay extra for climate control is so that they won't have to be cold when they're storing their useless junk that they can't bring themselves to permanently part with. Because when you visit a place maybe once every few months, it definitely makes good sense to keep it heated 24 hours a day, 7 days a week.

image sourceCategories: Culture, Capitalism

Something Happened

2005-12-02T09:08:00.000-08:00

Oh my goodness, oh my goodness, oh my goodness!^* You'll never guess what happened here yesterday. Seriously, go ahead and try. You won't be able to guess. Here, I'll even make it multiple-choice:

Some leaves fell off one of my plants.
I filled up the gas tank with $2.17 per gallon gasoline.
A bird flew by the window.
Some white stuff fell on the ground.
Nobody called me on the phone at home.
I consumed a bird-flesh sandwich.
Three lava lamps glooped and glopped all day.

Hah! It was a trick question you see, because all those things happened yesterday! Ha-hah! I'm so tricky.

*Skor does not actually have any goodness.

Categories: Personal

Project CRAP: Week 47 Report

2005-11-30T21:10:00.000-08:00

Click here for the explanation of Project CRAP
Box size: 15" wide by 11" tall by 14 1/2" deep.
Total Weight of CRAP: 39.54 lbs
Depth of CRAP: 14.5"
New Pieces of CRAP: 12
Total Pieces of CRAP: 654
LowLight of the Week: Target is the illustrious winner of this week's LowLight award. Let's have a big round of applause for Target! Thank you Target, for sending Skor a 68-page catalog reminding him what the true meaning of the season is: buying stuff. Toys, DVDs, iPods, video games, home electronics! Buy, buy, buy! And if you can't think of what to buy someone, just throw a gift card at them! Because the important thing is that you fulfill your gift-giving obligation, not that you actually put any thought into expressing your love or appreciation for the person. Don't be silly!

Click for a larger version of this week's winner.
Comments: As predicted, this week also weighed in above average. 23.81% over average, to be unnecessarily precise. Target not only sent the above-mentioned catalog this week, but also graced Skor's mailbox with a CD-shaped envelope that contained CD-shaped coupons amounting to "over $50 in TOY savings." Truly it is difficult for Skor to restrain his enthusiasm for such offers. Man, is the CRAP box ever getting heavy! That is to say, it would probably seem heavy to someone of lesser physical stature than Skor. Yeah, that.

Categories: Features

A Word Of Advice

2005-11-30T14:06:00.000-08:00

Don't ask them about the kissing frogs. You know, the weird "decoration" thing that just appeared on the shelf. Don't inquire about its purpose. That's exactly what they want you to do.Just ignore it.

image sourceCategories: Personal

Sorry About That

2005-11-30T10:01:00.000-08:00

Sorry about not making any posts yesterday. It's just that I liked that Q-tips post so much that I wanted it to stay at the top for a little extra time. That way it is easier for me to load up my own blog and read it and re-read it, and get a good laugh out of it again and again. Hopefully you can understand.

Anyway, moving on... Let me tell you a little story. One time there was an ant. One day, suddenly and completely inexplicably, the ant became self-aware. It thought to itself "hey, I exist, and I'm in control of my own destiny!" It was definitely a big deal for an ant to have these sorts of thoughts. In fact the ant itself realized what a big deal it was, and tried to communicate it to others in ant-kind, but none of them could be bothered to listen. So the ant set out in search of someone it could declare its self-realization to.

After walking for what seemed like hundreds of miles (but was really only a few hundred feet), the ant came upon a bird. For a moment the thought of engaging the bird in conversation crossed the ant's mind, but it realized that it would be likely to be eaten if it drew attention to itself. Quietly it slipped by the bird, continuing its quest, until eventually it discovered a mind-bogglingly enormous structure that was clearly not of natural origin. "This must be evidence of another self-aware creature," reasoned the ant.

Making its way around the perimeter of the edifice, searching for a way in, the ant could barely contain its enthusiasm. "It will be good to share existence with someone else," it pondered. Finally it discovered an opening, and giddily made its way inside. Exploring the interior of the structure proved to be even more exciting than the ant had thought, and before long the ant was lost in thought.

"What was that?" A rumbling in the ground had shaken the ant from its daydreaming state. The ant was so energized and eager about meeting the creator of this amazing place he was nearly incontinent. Just then a massive form appeared from around the corner. As it drew nearer, the ant called out: "Hello! I exist!" Apparently unaware of the ant's presence, the giant life form continued about its business. Determined to get its attention, the ant decided to take drastic measures.

It made its way to the creature's base and began climbing the vast length to what the ant assumed was the creature's head. Crawling and clinging for dear life over chasms and peaks, the ant toiled its way further and further upward. At last the ant was nearing the head, and the ant began to shout again: "Hey, you! Over here! I exist!" Stomping all six of his feet and shouting with all the strength it could muster, finally the colossal being seemed to take notice. "Finally," sighed the ant, "someone to share—" Before the ant could finish the thought, one the creature's massive appendages swept down as if from nowhere, landing squarely and forcefully on the ant, instantly crushing it.

"Stupid ants," muttered the boy as he brushed the remains of the ant off his neck. "How do they keep getting in here," he wondered as he finished making his sandwich.

image sourceCategories: Personal

Shocking Q-tip Discovery

2005-11-28T15:48:00.000-08:00

This morning as I was cleaning my ears with Q-tips, I noticed an interesting combination of words on the large Q-tips box:Considering that my usual morning routine consists of shower, clean ear canals with Q-tips, shave, clean ear canals with Q-tips, rain dance, clean ear canals with Q-tips, get dressed, then clean ear canals with Q-tips, this was rather alarming to me. Thankfully, I had just finished my fourth ear canal cleaning, so I was already prepped for the day before this distressing revelation, leaving me with roughly twenty-three and a half hours to decide what to do now that I knew.

As I pondered this new information, a thought occurred to me. I've got like three Costco-sized boxes of Q-tips that I bought for pretty much one purpose and one purpose only: to clean my ear canals. So, if you're not supposed to use Q-tips to clean out your ear canal, then what are you supposed to use them for? Luckily for me, the designers of the Q-tips box foresaw my dilemma, and printed answers for me right on the box. Unfortunately for me though, none of their suggestions really made any sense. Take a look:

Is there a painting in your house that has too much of a single color in it, like this abstract piece in shades of blue? Well fear not art lover, its Q-tips to the rescue. Just hold a Q-tip in front of the painting any time you're forced to look at it and ta-da—blue's reign of terror is over.

Q-tips are also apparently a good substitute for a mascara brush. Or perhaps they should be used to soak up tears. Pretty much anything with the eyes is okay. Just wipe them all over in there, dry out the inside of your eyelid, whatever. Have a blast, just for the love of llamas, don't put it into your ear canal!

Do you need to dust off large furniture items? Forget dust rags or those overly-fancy "dust wand" contraptions, just use a Q-tip! Not only can you get inside of even the smallest cracks, but you can dust an entire chair in a mere six hours!

Perhaps you often find yourself spilling various bodily fluids on strangely shaped pieces of wood. Well guess what? Q-tips are perfect for cleaning up those embarassing biohazard 'oopsies.' Just whip out a box of Q-tips and go to town on: Blood! Puss! Snot! Liver Bile! The possibilities are endless!

Pointing at ones own thumb can be a difficult task. There's always the question of "which finger should I use" and "how do I avoid drawing attention to my finger instead of my thumb?" Well thanks to Q-tips, kiss your thumb-pointing worries goodbye. Just take a handy Q-tip and point away my friend, point away.

Q-tips are strictly for adult use only. You must keep them out of reach of children at all times. But, that doesn't mean you can't taunt children with Q-tips. In fact, that is one of their best uses! Just wave it around in front of them and anytime they reach for it, pull it away, laugh, and say "ha ha, nope!" Good times.

I don't know about you, but none of those situations really speak to me, you know? I mean, I guess I never thought about how dirty the inside of my eyelid probably is, but the rest of those are just utterly useless. So now I'm stuck with the decision of either ignoring the dire warning on the Q-tips box, or throwing away about three thousand perfectly good Q-tips.

Whatever, to heck with their warning. I'm going to stick it to the man by sticking Q-tips in my ears. So there.

Categories: Personal

Project CRAP: Week 46 Report

2005-11-27T11:20:00.000-08:00

Click here for the explanation of Project CRAP
Box size: 15" wide by 11" tall by 14 1/2" deep.
Total Weight of CRAP: 38.49 lbs
Depth of CRAP: 14"
New Pieces of CRAP: 14
Total Pieces of CRAP: 579
LowLight of the Week: Okay look. Skor has no idea whatsoever how or why these "Willow Tree" figurines have suddenly become so popular, but honestly, it must be stopped. Seriously, look at no-face Mary over there on the right! That's just not okay. Some people say "but since they have no face, you can imagine them to be anyone!" Skor has yet to meet a single person who has no face, therefore the figurines look like no one. Worse, they look like some kind of frightening dream where the corncob warlocks have come and stolen everyone's faces. When catalogs whose front cover features the freaky no-face people start to arrive in Skor's mailbox, that is when it has gone too far. And incidentally, that is exactly what happened this week. Family Christian Stores "wins" this week's LowLight award for flinging freaky faceless figurines at Skor. *shudder*

Click for a larger version of this week's winner.
Comments: As you can see, AOL graced Skor's mailbox with yet another amazing offer. This, combined with a few catalogs like this week's LowLight combined to make Week 46 the new second-highest week on record. Skor apologizes for the lateness of this post, however he was very busy this whole week giving thanks.

Categories: Features

Vote For Skor

2005-11-22T12:15:00.000-08:00

Skor makes the request that all his legions of readers go to this site and vote for Skor Grimm (way at the bottom) in the poll featured on the left side. Because winning polls on sites that Skor only just now heard of is the primary way Skor validates his self worth.

Go vote now, because there's only a few hours left, and this is the most important thing in the world to Skor at the moment. If Skor doesn't win, his self-confidence will be utterly crushed—a state of mind that is sure to last at least ten minutes, if not maybe even twelve or thirteen.

Categories: Personal, Internet

Self-Importance For Sale

2005-11-21T09:40:00.000-08:00

I was listening to radio a while back, when I heard an advertisement for some sort of product or service in which it was claimed that in exchange for giving them money, you would "learn how to be more important in your own life." Now there's a product everyone can use. Because most people have a real problem in that they are constantly putting the needs of others before their own. It's always "others, others, others" with everyone nowadays. When are we going to stop and realize that sometimes it should be "me, me, me—I want, I want, I want—I need, I need"?

I only wish I had written down the phone number so I could call them up and learn more about this revolutionary new product. I guess I'll just have to try to figure out how to make myself more important in my life on my own.

Categories: Capitalism

What Ever Happened To Public Shaming?

2005-11-17T18:19:00.000-08:00

Okay, anybody who follows the trendy news even a little bit has already heard about this story, but I've had other more important things to do than blogging lately (gasp!), so I'm just now getting to it.

Tasha Henderson got tired of her 14-year-old daughter's poor grades, her chronic lateness to class and her talking back to her teachers, so she decided to teach the girl a lesson.

She made Coretha stand at a busy Oklahoma City intersection Nov. 4 with a cardboard sign that read: "I don't do my homework and I act up in school, so my parents are preparing me for my future. Will work for food."

Okay, I don't really get why "Will work for food" was added to the sign. Maybe it's some kind of crazy Oklahoma law that all cardboard street-side signs have to say that on it. But aside from that oddity, I have to say I really rather approve of this mother's method. There's nothing like a good public shaming. And as if the embarrassment of standing on a busy street corner weren't enough, this mother managed to get the national media spotlight on her daughter, for an extra helping of guilt!

I'd like to introduce an initiative to bring back the public stocks. They're just my kind of justice. It's cheaper than prison, and in prison the criminals are stowed away where we can't see them and taunt them back to righteousness. How lame is that? Let's hear it for public shaming.

In somewhat related news, a Google search for shame results in a "Sponsored Link" on the right side of the page that declares that I can get me some shame for free! That's right, "Free Shame" is available right now on the Internet! Sweet!

Source: Seattle P-I

image sourceCategories: News, Culture

Religion: Still Missing The Point...

2005-11-16T19:07:00.000-08:00

Attention: The following post has only one or two funny parts.

Sometimes I wonder why Christianity has such a bad name in today's society. I mean, there are only so many times that I can handle being called Lydia. Wait no, that's not the kind of "bad name" I meant... Sure, you can read verses like Matthew 5:11-12, where Jesus says: "Blessed are you when people insult you and persecute you, and falsely say all kinds of evil against you because of Me. Rejoice and be glad, for your reward in heaven is great; for in the same way they persecuted the prophets who were before you." You can say: "Jesus himself said that following Him will lead to persecution!" And certainly it will. But many people seem to follow that thought with: "So no matter what I do, if someone says I'm wrong, I'm being persecuted for Jesus! PRAISE THE LORD!" Bzzt. Sorry, wrong answer.

A mere four verses later Jesus also says: "Let your light shine before men in such a way that they may see your good works, and glorify your Father who is in heaven." Where is the glorifying of the Father in our time? Is it in a weekly gathering? Is it in church-sponsored "Easter Egg" hunts, where we celebrate Jesus' ressurection by giving away ressurection candy in little plastic ressurection eggs? Is it in the lives of those who claim His name? Is it in church-sponsored "Harvest" parties (that conveniently fall on October 31st and involve giving away lots of candy)? Is it in "family safe" radio and television programs?

Why is the Church considered by many in today's society to be at best little more than a social club, or at worst a bunch of superstitious extremists? Is it because everyone who calls themselves Christian is doing exactly what Jesus advised, and we're all being persecuted for it, or is it because some (if not many) of us are royally screwing up His instructions and deserve the derision? Maybe it's because of churches like these:

Auburn, CA — As the community celebrated the opening of a new church in Auburn Sunday, another church protested the services because of objections to the congregation's "merchandising" and "business-like" strategies.

At issue was the New Life Christian Church's gas subsidizing event last weekend in Auburn. The church paid for more than 200 people to purchase gas at a discounted rate of $1.99 per gallon.

New Life Senior Pastor Bill Jenkins said recently the event was designed to show that God is interested in things that affect people's lives, such as gas prices.

Members welcomed many newcomers to the church's first services at 9 and 11 a.m. Sunday at the Canyon View Community Center. Jenkins describes the church as having a "coffee house" style.

But members from the Church of the Divide in Garden Valley greeted churchgoers with another message outside, with signs proclaiming, "Jesus cares more about your sin and burning in hell than gas prices."

Wow. It definitely sounds like both those congregations have really got quite a good grasp on the true meaning of the Gospel. (Hint: sarcasm.) On the one hand, you've got the social-club style church, making a blatant attempt to lure people into the Gospel with earthly goods. Then out there on the street protesting them is the sign-waving, in-your-face, "Repent or PERISH!" group. What a disgraceful display.

In a way, they each have valid points, and yet are still each completely missing the point. As Pastor Bill "Cheap Gas" Jenkins stated, God is indeed "interested in things that affect people's lives." However, what He is not interested in is using those things as a sort of "bait" to hook new converts. In fact, Jesus did just the opposite when He turned away the rich young ruler on account of the man putting too high a value on his possessions. God's goodness and mercy don't need to be "sold." His Good News speaks for itself, if only we would let it.

Of course, the protestors certainly aren't doing God's message much justice, either. Seriously, protesting another church's service? That's like if a child is reaching for a hot stove, and in order to demonstrate to him how dangerous it is you push and hold his palm directly on it for a few seconds. Sure, it gets across the point, but leaves out the most important part of the picture: love.

God isn't awesome because he wants to help us have easy lives, and He doesn't want to scare us into His arms. He loves us, and simply asks for our love in return. Maybe these churches are reading a different set of Gospels than I am.

Source: Auburn Journal

Categories: Religion, Serious

Project CRAP: Week 45 Report

2005-11-15T22:18:00.000-08:00

Click here for the explanation of Project CRAP
Box size: 15" wide by 11" tall by 14 1/2" deep.
Total Weight of CRAP: 37.10 lbs
Depth of CRAP: 13.75"
New Pieces of CRAP: 11
Total Pieces of CRAP: 565
LowLight of the Week: Dish Network wins this week's dishonors. Thankfully, despite the claim that the offer is "HUGE," this piece of CRAP was just 6" x 8". It should have said "this offer is LOUD." That would have been more descriptive. Loud, in the sense that it uses a staggering array of colors that would blind a yak at fifty yards, that is.

Click for a larger version of this week's winner.
Comments: It was a fairly average week for CRAP. Target sent a catalog for the "holiday season," Bed Bath & Beyond sent their usual 20% off "any one item, except the item you want" coupon, and so forth. Regardless of what anyone may tell you, Skor definitely did not receive a flaming bag of doggie poo in his mail this week. That's just a nasty rumor.

Categories: Features

Stupid Phrases People Say

2005-11-15T15:42:00.000-08:00

Some things people say are just plain stupid. Even Skor sometimes catch himself saying stupid things like the ones highlighted below, and that's just stupid.

"Needless to say..."
Good, then don't say it.

"Not to mention..."
Bzzt. You just did mention it.

"I hate to say it..."
...but not so much that I won't say it anyway.

"I don't have the time to..."
Try again. You have just as much time as everyone else. You just choose to spend it doing other things. So just say so.

Don't say stupid things. People saying stupid things make Skor cry himself to sleep. Or perhaps you want Skor to cry himself to sleep. If that's the case, then keep saying stupid things. Just know that eventually Skor will find you, and when he does, he will exact his terrible kiwi-flavored revenge upon you.

image sourceCategories: Culture

If Only There Was A Post Here

2005-11-14T15:39:00.000-08:00

You know, I would just love it if I had the time to make a post on here. That would be sweet. I'd be all like: "Blah blah blah, internet, blah blah blah, stupid people, blah blah blah." And then you'd be all like: "That's stupid. Why does this guy waste my time with this garbage?" And then I'd be all like: "Shut up, you corncob. I'm funny." Then the sunshine fairy would crawl out of your ear and say: "I make sunshine! Tee-hee!"

But alas, there is no time for such merriment. All my time lately has been consumed with terribly adventurous quests, like seed-planting, lava lamp-staring, rock standing, and food eating. Yes, my days are quite packed with excitement.

Tonight I'm going to get on a spaceship, head out to Saturn, chill on Iapetus for a while, and then head over to the party on the motherland. Saturn is the place to be, you know. All the happening parties this side of Andromeda be chillin' on Saturn. It's a little secret that the sunshine fairy let me in on.

So like I said, I'm really just way too busy to make a post right now. So you're just going to have to wait.

image sourceCategories: Personal

Political: Some Stupid Quiz

2005-11-10T21:48:00.000-08:00

Skor happened upon this politics quiz via John's The Tangent Universe. Skor took it, and frankly, is a bit dissatisfied with the results:

You are a
Social Conservative
(38% permissive)
and an
Economic Conservative
(63% permissive)

Okay, that part isn't so bad. Conservative is good. Though it's not apparent just how "63% permissive" means "conservative" on the economic side of things, but hey, whatever. It's the next bit that's disturbing, though:

You are best described as a:
Centrist

Centrist?!? What the hootenanny? Skor is either highly disappointed with this "quiz," or frightened by his apparent lack of conviction. Also possible is that his judgment was severely impaired under the influence of apples & cinnamon instant oatmeal when he took the quiz. Don't listen to this hibbly jibbly. Skor is not a centrist. Skor is pure evil, through and through.

Darth Vader would be so disappointed in Skor.

Categories: Personal, Politics

Sneak Preview: Skor's Upcoming Novel

2005-11-09T21:21:00.000-08:00

Being the astute reader that you are, you have no doubt taken notice that Skor not only possesses a stunning abundance of humility, but that he also exhibits a delightfully unique writing style that is witty, poignant, and entertaining. As such, you might be wondering just why it is that Skor doesn't quit his "real" job and take up some form of writing full time, or at least write a book or something.

Well dear reader, today is your lucky day. Skor indeed is working on a novel!^* And just for stopping by this blog and asking that question, Skor is going to give you a sneak peek at the novel-in-progress. Of course, it would be terrible if Skor's competitors got wind of this stunning development, which is why the sneak peek is hidden inside the expanded post link below. So click away (as long as you're not a spy from Smooth Glee, Skor Grimm's arch nemesis) and enjoy this WORLDWIDE SUPER-COOL EXCLUSIVE.

View/Hide the EXCLUSIVE SNEAK PEEK.

click to view a larger versionIntroduction
Do you know what the absolutely easiest thing to do when you've got problems is? Whatever arena of life your problems are in—politics, religion, family relations, corporate policy, or even in the natural world—the easiest thing to do is to gripe. Griping requires absolutely zero effort, comes almost as second nature to many people, and also contributes absolutely zero toward solving one's problems.

Of course, the second easiest thing to do when confronted with problems is to make light of them. While mockery accomplishes almost as little as griping, at least people get to laugh, so it isn't a complete waste. I'm all in favor of mockery when and where it is appropriate, and that is probably why people that grip just plain tick me off so much: they can't even be bothered to put forth the tiny sliver of effort that it takes to make fun of their problems.

On the opposite end of the scale, the toughest thing you can do when confronted with problems is to lead the charge and take an active role in bringing about real, tangible solutions. This is of course also the path of greatest reward, and also the path that very few people are willing to take. Why act when you can gripe? Griping is easy, it feels good, and it's your right!

When you think about it, it's actually probably a good thing that most gripers aren't actively working to bring about change instead of sitting on their duff firing off whiny blog posts, because there are an awful lot of gripers out there that I really don't agree with. If those gripers set out to change the world, the world would be in danger of becoming even more frightening a place than it already is.

So, think of this book as a guide. A guide to all the gripers in the world who spend their days sitting there griping away and accomplishing absolutely nothing. We'll discuss ways to avoid them, ways to discourage them from action (if they disagree with me), and ways to motivate them to action (if they agree with me). Read on, and be enlightened, disgusted, amused, aggravated, agitated, and unappreciated.

Hide the EXCLUSIVE SNEAK PEEK.

Hopefully you enjoyed that exclusive sneak peek at what is certain to be next year's #1 book in some category or another. Remember to keep reading right here at Skor Grimm's blog for more high profile exclusives.

^*Skor is in fact doing no such thing.

Categories: Personal, Internet

Project CRAP: Week 44 Report

2005-11-08T08:15:00.000-08:00

Click here for the explanation of Project CRAP
Box size: 15" wide by 11" tall by 14 1/2" deep.
Total Weight of CRAP: 36.23 lbs
Depth of CRAP: 13.5"
New Pieces of CRAP: 16
Total Pieces of CRAP: 554
LowLight of the Week: Alas, eBay—you have gone mainstream. An eBay catalog?!? Yes, an eBay catalog. Complete with towels, furniture, and chic electronic gadgets. In fact, note the Apple iPod on the front, and the Sony PSP on the back. Each of those electronic do-dads are featured a total of four times throughout this tome. Four times.

Click for a larger version of this week's winner.
Comments: Well November certainly ushered itself in with a bang. 1.36 pounds of CRAP ranks right up there in a tie for the second-most CRAP in one week. All the usual suspects have continued to pull out the big guns: Bed Bath & Beyond, the local grocery stores, credit card companies, you name it. Unfortunately, using the magical spreadsheet, Skor has calculated that even if every week from now until the end of the year came in at 1.36 pounds, the total amount of CRAP wouldn't quite make it up to Skor's predicted 50 pounds. Maybe Sears and JC Penny will come through with 5 pound holiday catalogs each. Heh.

Categories: Features

Unintentionally Funny Political Mailings

2005-11-07T10:11:00.000-08:00

With election day just around the corner and so many big initiatives and important local candidates on the ballot, voters far and wide have no doubt been receiving an endless stream of campaign advertising in the mail. Skor is of course no exception, as nearly every day the contents of my mailbox bring some vote-able issue to my attention. Many of these mailings are fairly benign affairs, full of the usual "I'm so great, here's why you should vote for me" tripe.

However, some of the mailings dare to be bold, sinking straight to the bottom of the sewage with the aid of lies, slander, and outright emotional pandering. I would like to take an opportunity at this time to mercilessly mock these, the "cream of the crop" of this year's political mailings (in my area—your results may vary). I've placed the meat of this post into an expandable hidden section, on account of how many images there are. Plus I wouldn't want my readers to be exposed to this kind of drivel without warning.

View/Hide the expanded post.

NO on 912
First off we've got this splendid ad urging me to vote no on I-912. As you probably know, I-912 would eliminate the recent 9.5 cent per gallon gasoline tax increase that was passed by the legislature.That's right, vote NO on I-912, because it's a plan to do NOTHING about traffic, dirty bridges, and potholes on city streets. Except that the 9.5 cent gas tax was not designed to alleviate traffic, and definitely doesn't have anything to do with upkeep of city streets, where the majority of potholes are found. Page 2 continues the amusingly transparent lie parade with a map of Washington State and 274 little dots all over it. Supposedly these are projects that will be "cancelled" if I-912 passes. Except that the 9.5 cent tax was only part of an overall transportation tax hike, and these 274 projects are only the ones they may spend it on. Plus, you pretty much get the shaft if you live outside of the Puget Sound area, which makes the flier look more like a "Vote YES on I-912" ad for them. Suckers.

Page 3 has a graph, which is more than enough to convince me that whatever they're saying must be right. I mean, look at the red arrow—it's going up! It also promises that if I-912 passes, we will get "more of the same," which is funny to me, because in the case of the government I've always defined "more of the same" as "let's tax our way out of our problems!"

In closing, we are reminded in very large, bold text that if I-912 passes, there will magically be more traffic, more cost, and more risk for each and every unwitting resident of Washington. The only bit they left out that would have made this mailing better was "For the love of God, vote NO on I-912! Think of the children!" That would have really been a swell finishing touch.

Save Kenmore Lanes
Next up is this flier. Put out by a group called "Save Kenmore Lanes," it urges the recipient to elect certain candidates to the Kenmore city council.So basically the message here is that voting for the "wrong" candidates for the Kenmore City Council is equivalent to personally driving a bulldozer through Kenmore Lanes (the large local bowling alley). Or, the message might have something to do with photoshopping the Kenmore Lanes sign. Maybe certain candidates are excellent graphic artists.

The back side of this single-page flier explains the difference between the "good guys" and the "bad guys." See, the bad guys "didn't get the message when Kenmore voters went to the polls in 2004 and [achem...] decided to save Kenmore Lanes." I guess I didn't get the message either, considering that the margin on the advisory measure was a whopping 48 out of 6,082 votes (give or take a few hundred—this is King County after all). What a strong message that less than one percent margin sent. Especially considering that banning card rooms actually has nothing to do with the bowling alley.

Ron Sims for King County Executive
Lastly, take a gander at this gem. Ron Sims has truly done a great service to the community here by taking the time to thoughtfully point out the differences between his values and those of his opponent, David Irons.Wow. Who could have guessed that David Irons actually values things like dirty water, worse traffic, more casinos, and unchecked sprawl? And that's just the things that they were able to fit in this flier. I'll bet he drowns kittens, drinks used motor oil, likes homelessness, and gives little children candy just so he can steal it back. What a monster. Who would want him as their County Executive? Clearly only a person with similarly evil motives could possibly bring themselves to vote for such a candidate.

Now, see Ron Sims, he values good things, like clean water and smiling children. I know it's true because the pictures tell me so. Thank you so much Ron Sims, for enlightening us as to the true values of you and your opponent!

Hide the expanded post.

Categories: Politics